E 8 Mile Rd
If you've ever wondered what the boozy, booby bacchanals of ancient Rome were like, look no further than the Coliseum. Like every other adult entertainment megaplex on 8 Mile Rd, this one is located in an area that will make you thankful for that mandatory valet, but once those curtains are drawn back you are greeted with a vision of strip club decadence that actually has an Egyptian theme but whatever. A diverse array of gorgeous dancers appeals to all clientele, from the ballers to the bachelor pack post-gaming the Tigers, and it's also couples-friendly.
During the day there's no cover, but at night expect a $10 cover and another $20 if you want a booth. Drinks will run you around $6-10, while dances in the private-ish VIP area will cost $25-100. The "Coli," as loyalists call it, also has a number of amenities unique to the strip clubs of Detroit -- two separate bars, including a two-level main bar, to watch the entertainment; private luxury skybox suites; a world-class wine cellar with over 160 bottles of high-ticket wines and Champagne along with 56 private wine lockers; a custom cigar humidor with 28 personalized cigar lockers; hookahs; and a heliport. So you can take your helicopter to the strip club, as one does. (Although we have to wonder, does mandatory valet still apply? Anyone who's got a helicopter, let us know!) It's also very clean, which is worth noting because not all clubs are. Pro tip: the steaks are pretty excellent and pricing is on par with the average Birmingham steakhouse.
W 8 Mile Rd
The Penthouse is certainly the slickest-looking club in Detroit, and it also aims to be the "classiest." Which, LOL. But still! If you're looking for a strip club with a state-of-the-art sound and lighting system, executive bottle service featuring items like Johnnie Walker Blue, premium cigars & Cristal, five-star steakhouse cuisine from the talented Chef Stewart Fox Jr. (which you can also order to go, because obviously), second-floor sky suites, Wi-Fi (?), 50in plasma TVs with stadium seating (because… you're watching TV at the strip club?), and a pro shop (??????), look no further. Drinks will run you $6-12 for standard beers and mixed drinks, cover is free during the day and $10-15 at night plus another $20 for a booth, and there's mandatory valet parking ($7 + $3 tip) and coat check ($2). Yes, it's expensive just to sit down here, but you get a real Vegas-type experience: the stage looks like the sparkling night sky and dancers descend from a staircase on one end and then dance on flying custom choppers that hang from the ceiling. It's kind of bananas, and it's perfect.