The 28 People You’ll Meet at 'Pine Knob' This Summer

Though about as far as possible from Detroit both geographically and culturally, the amphitheater formerly known as Pine Knob has been an institution in terms of summer concerts in Southeast Michigan for decades. Love it or hate it, most people have a Pine Knob story, and it usually involves one of these characters:

This is a real thing, not some sort of Pine Knob version of el Chupacabra. Affectionately referred to as "Suspenders Guy" -- he’s kind of a legend and can be found gyrating upon strangers at nearly every Pine Knob concert since the dawn of time. We’ll have what he’s having. 

Just holding out until Hot Topic starts selling SPF 200 and pentagram tan stencils.

Probably hailing from Highland or Waterford, he took the afternoon off from hanging and painting Sheetrock in order drink Friday-style in the Mötley Crüe parking lot. Usually covered in paint and likely to pick a fight.

Apart from four-wheeling, possum’ callin’ tournaments and a few festivals involving banjos, there’s not a whole lot that goes on Up North in terms of aural entertainment. Thus, there’s nothing like a Toby Keith concert in Clarkston to stop traffic on I-75S at Zilwaukee. 

Usually with long beards, wearing the same clothes they wore in the '70s, but a few pounds heavier. Can be seen crushing cans of Coors Banquet in the parking lot.
 

Secretly a big fan of yacht rock, but may forget which concert they are at halfway through.
 

Likely consuming mass quantities of nachos and slushies, you can tell them by the deer-in-headlights look when it comes to finding a spot on the hill.
 

The antipode of #7, these are the kids who show up to every single concert with $5 vouchers from their corner gas station, ready to find a spot to turn into "Make Out Point."
 

Usually found at Steely Dan. Usually doesn’t stray far from the beer stand. Usually wearing socks with sandals.

When not sitting at a desk or drinking on a pontoon boat in West Bloomfield, this specimen can be found rockin’ out next to #9, usually in the pavilion, because, privilege.
 

50th. Birthday. Party. Usually arrive in a white limo. Usually drinking wine or some $12 kitchen sink cocktail. Usually commenting on each other’s boobs in the women’s restroom.
 

She may have arrived solo, or made the split from her pride during the first group bathroom break. Looking to buy you a drink or bum a smoke. Proceed with caution.

For some people, the rich cultural biome of a "Pine Knob" concert is enough to warrant $15 lawn tickets and a chance to glimpse a wrinkly rockstar’s face on the big screen. But for purists -- usually the kind of guys who have become guitar virtuosos in their basements for an audience of cats -- no concert is worth going to if you can’t sit in a sonically controlled environment. Give them surround sound or give them death!

The high frequencies achieved are startling. Also, why do they all have the word "PINK" written on their butts?
 

Hollister tank top. Shorts. Sandals. Backward visor. White sunglasses. Shock Top.
 

They were the first to arrive, and will be the last to leave. Covered in dirt and grass stains from rolling down the hill during the first 10 minutes of Eddie Money.  
 

May have sampled the brown acid at Woodstock and never came back. Usually found at Blue Öyster Cult.

A combination of #s 1-17 -- their power increases with the frequency of Kid Rock concerts. They’ll be taking the entire month of August as vacation, and won’t even have to leave Clarkston!
 

He's roasting a bone and listening to Foghat while his kids hit the 89X concert. He's THE best person to park next to.
 

His hip-swiveling is taking up prime real estate. He’s created some kind of vortex. He won’t stop. HELP!
 

Have no idea what show they are seeing. It's likely Barenaked Ladies. "Oh gee, Nancy, these guys are really swell!"  
 

His grand plan to smuggle booze in didn't go as smoothly as hoped. Begrudgingly sipping on a hard lemonade and standing in the wheelchair-access area until he gets kicked out.

His friends will really appreciate all the dimly lit videos with unrecognizable sound that he uploads to Instagram. No, really.

Probably went a little overboard on the Little Caesars and White Zinfandel.

You know, the one who says she is "waiting" on "friends" who aren’t actually coming. There’s no shame in going to see Bryan Adams by yourself, lady. Make some room for all those lovers out there.

In need of a part-time job to get them out of the house in the summer, they are excited to be surrounded by people -- unless it’s Ozzfest day, in which case you’ll feel their judgy eyes and the overwhelming sense of how glad they are that their kids didn’t turn out like you.

Flannel. Wool hat. Skinny jeans. Suffering through a $9 macro because that’s all he could scrape together from the seats in his band van.

He’s got a hatchet-man tattoo and half-sweated off face paint; she’s wearing a black and orange tutu with striped-knee socks, both are wishing they were at the Gathering instead.

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