With Detroit being the Motor City, you’d think we’d be home to at least a few legendary drivers and some baby-smooth highways, but no. Dear Lord, no. 75? 696? 94? And the Lodge, oh the Lodge -- that high-walled, barrel-laden, sunken pit of a highway where inattentive motorists are slowly digested over a period of a thousand years -- is the worst of all
But it’s not just the road itself. No. It’s also about those who use it. So here they are: the 10 worst humans behind the wheel that you might, nay, WILL encounter on the Lodge..
1. The Chief Executive
Here he comes in his H3 from some kind of Bloomfield, sporting a Friendship Circle sticker and a bluetooth in his ear. He’s about to demonstrate his superiority to you when he merges (no signal) into your lane while conversing with the secretary that he's having an affair with while you try to avoid a crash
2. The Fast and Infuriating
Sorry dude, your "souped-up" ride is not enticing me to race you at midnight. And the bald look has left you looking more like Billy Corgan than Vin Diesel
3. Mrs. Birmingham-SUV
Her rough-and-tumble, African safari-ready vehicle is just what's necessary to... pick up the kids from Cranbrook. She is entitled to prepare to exit at any time. She is then entitled to realize this actually isn't her exit and nearly cause a 12-car pileup. She is finally entitled to take a sip of her latte as though nothing happened
4. The Tap, Tap, Tap-A-Roo
Despite the fact that all other traffic is moving, this guy’s gonna go ahead and tap those breaks juuusst to be safe. He possibly has a tremor. It's also possible that he just hates you
5. Gramps and/or Gramma
Come on, you can’t be mad at them. With that aircraft carrier-sized sedan, the tweed driving cap, and the too-big glasses, they’re just an old couple doing their best to pick up a prescription from Henry Ford or maybe head downtown to see a show. When you fought in WWII it's your RIGHT to drive 45mph in the left lane
6. The Flying Junker
He’s the guy that just droned past you on the right, shot the gap between those two semis, and left ringing ears, paint chips, and a cloud of smoke behind him. Check the news later as he may end up involved in a high-speed police chase at some point today
7. The Lonely Trucker
He's made a terrible mistake somewhere in the matrix of downtown highways, and suddenly realized that this is not 75. There's a 77% chance he was looking at fetish websites on his phone while driving. Looks like he'll be taking the bridge to Canada.
8. The Teenage Menace
Received a car at 16 because mom was tired of driving to Cranbrook. Drives like she knows daddy will take care of any and all speeding tickets and/or fender benders
9. Any Motorcyclist
But especially the 300lb guy with an incongruously attractive woman on the back of the bike. How does this happen
10. The Speeding Native Detroiter
Wise man that he is, he knows life is too short to spend another 5 minutes navigating this God-forsaken concrete valley, so he’s willing to risk the ticket, the crash -- whatever it takes -- to get himself home. He is both the problem and the solution.