The Hamptons club scene is about as cutthroat as it gets, and, unless your name is Shia LaBeouf (an admittedly odd name), there's no guarantee that any amount of waiting on line... or crying... or money-throwing... will get you inside. But there's still some Summer left. Which means it's not too late to arm yourself with everything you need to know, and go in completely prepared with a game plan. We spoke to some keepers of the clipboards at the Hamptons' trendiest hotspots, in order to give you the tools you need to make it into the mystical land of bottles, models, and other, even more expensive bottles.
Trendist: All Aboard the Unlimited Tequila Train!
DO make an early dinner reservation This is the oldest trick in the book, but Antonio Fuccio, co-owner of Georgica, asserts that it works. Once you're in, you're in for the night. Sure, it might be weird that you're eating dinner at 6p when nobody gets to the club until 1230a, but hey, early bird gets the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle!
DON'T name-drop celebrities Your friends might think it's cool that Erica Gimbel from Princesses: Long Island once tweeted you, but Emilio Eliades, general manager of Nammos, and most other doormen, couldn't care less. It's not gonna help you gain access any quicker, so keep your brushes with fame to yourself.
DO wait for the right moment to speak with the bouncer If it's an especially crowded door, don't push your way to the front and get pissy when the doorman doesn't treat you like Hollywood heartthrob Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Danny Volk, partner at SL East, says that, even though it may not seem like it, they realize who has been waiting and for how long. They're not ignoring you, so just wait your turn.
DON'T come straight from the beach Just because you dominated paddle ball all day doesn't mean you should dress as such when you go to a club. Fuccio explains, "For some reason, there's always that one person who thinks it's okay to come to Georgica in their beachwear. It is not."
DO buy tables for groups of random strangers While buying a table might not be an immediate ticket in, buying one for your group AND other groups in line will not only get you inside, but turn you into a party philanthropist of Gatsby-like proportions. David Marino, co-owner of South Pointe, once saw a group do just that, and said they were impossible to turn away.
DON'T offer up a member of your group as a virgin sacrifice How this didn't work is beyond us, but Marino says a bachelorette group once, um, offered up one of their friends to the bouncers as a means to get in. Again, how this didn't work is beyond us.
DO learn when to shut up You should probably take this one into account for everyday life. If you've spoken to the doorman, wait patiently, don't keep piping up to try and angle your way in. "More verbal attempts just get exhausting and diminish your chances," explains Randy Scott, VIP services of Day & Night/Dual Groupe.
DON'T name-drop an owner of the club who has no idea who you are Volk has seen this a time or two, and, suffice to say, he hasn't seen it work. If you're going to insist on pretending to be best friends with one of the owners, come prepared -- research their hometown, high school, mother's maiden name, social security number. Bouncers know EVERYONE'S social security number.
DO wait in front of the club alone like a weirdo for four and a half hours This might sound extreme, but Fuccio saw it happen and said the guy eventually got in. Sure, there might only be one single instance of this working, but if you stand out there looking pathetic for a couple hours, they'll probably at least let you help clean up at the end of the night!
DO know when to cut your losses and leave Scott and Marino both agree on this point. "Patience is key, but if it doesn't happen within 30mins, it probably won't," asserts Marino. There's a lot to do in the Hamptons, and you don't want to spend your entire Saturday night standing in line like some kind of Ellis Island immigrant!
DO... what this guy says Fuccio sums it up for us in plain English: "It's pretty easy. Dress well. Show up in a group that isn't male dominated. Be patient, yet politely persistent. That alone will put you in a good position to enter."
DO be 2 Chainz C'mon, let's get real. You think there's a club in this world that 2 Chainz can't gain access to? He has TWO CHAINS! Work on becoming 2 Chainz and you'll have your pick of the club litter.
DON'T be a dick That's pretty much what this all comes down to. Treat people with respect and you'll get it back. You should probably try to live your life by the "Don't Be a Dick" motto, but it's especially necessary when navigating the tricky waters of Hamptons nightlife. Also, being a smoking-hot, super-rich, female celebrity doesn't hurt. Or 2 Chainz.