The 14 types of people you will meet in the Hamptons
Some people think the Hamptons are just a wasteland of homogenous wealth where rich folks go to play polo. Possibly on unicorns. But if you've been to the Hamptons, you know there's more diversity than that, as not EVERYONE can afford a good unicorn wrangler. Many unique folks make up the vivid tapestry that is a summer in the Hamptons, here are 15 of them.
1. The Rich Toddler
Note: these are not actual toddlers (though you will see some of them, too). They're sucking on oysters and ordering bottle service, but make no mistake, Mom and Dad are still 100% footing the bill. Like with actual toddlers, public urination is still in play.
2. The Summer Share Brosters
Ever wondered what a clown car would look like, but in house form? Look no further than these guys, who turned a house that says it accommodates “5-7 comfortably” into a 37-person halfway house from Hell. Expect to find them blasting Calvin Harris, playing beer pong, and being homophobic.
3. The "We're In Our 30s" Couple
They've made some money. They've graduated from their crazy, young Hamptons days. They're looking for a low-key dinner at World Pie, maybe a game of Cards Against Humanity, and the chance to doze off before they can even catch an SNL rerun, even though it's the Timberlake episode.
4. The "Welcome To My House" Guy
Make no mistake, the 25-year-old gentleman with the impressive digs you just met (Chet, we'll call him) is still telling his parents he's thinking about applying to law school, but does not intend to. This is, very much, NOT Chet's house.
5. The Random Celebrity
The Hamptons have become the go-to destination for Hollywood’s elite (and less-than-elite) to let loose. Is that Frankie Muniz? Verne Troyer? The Dad from That '70s Show?! It's like an episode of Hollywood Squares that no one wins. Unless you end up with some hilarious Instagram fodder.
6. The Plastic Geriatric
Is that a pair of extremely fashionable zombies? Nope, just another Park Ave couple living their twilight years out East. Most likely to be found recovering from cosmetic surgery (ladies), sporting baseball hats with no logos (fellas), or complaining audibly to the waitstaff (both).
7. The Embittered Local
The Hamptons don't run without them, and they need the lovely folks you've been reading about to power the local economy, so they mostly have to remain pleasant. But if you look closely, you can see the rage boiling beneath the surface.
8. The Club Rats
Look, if you spend enough time in the Hamptons, you'll invariably end up at a club here and there. That does not make you one of these. The entire weekend of the Club Rat species revolves around the club -- where to go, who to go with, who's "spinning", what to wear, how to get in, who they'll call poor for not wanting to get down on their table with them. Recover by the pool the next morning. Rise. Repeat.
9. The Startupper
Just got funding for an app that's gonna revolutionize the way you do... something (spoiler alert, it isn't). Expect to see them with an incredibly expensive car and an incredibly more expensive yacht, an out-of-his-league-a-few-years-ago girlfriend, and an inability to escape his social awkwardness despite all that.
10. Some Foreign DJ
"Is he from Moldova? I heard he was from Moldova? Whatever, let's get another drink." Will stare at you in stony silence through his indoor sunglasses if you dare make a request.
No, not the sex virgins that are the subject of many a teen comedy. We're talking Hamptons virgins. They have a palpable fear of committing some faux pas that will out them as newbies. Usually found staring at forks, wondering which one to pick up.
12. The Dogs
They aren't people, but dogs love the Hamptons, as it’s finally their opportunity to run free and urinate on strangers’ bags at the beach.
13. The Event Tripper
The Hamptons don’t have enough of a labor force to keep all the parties, restaurants, clubs and random swanky events up-and-running, so that’s where the reinforcements come in. Bottle girls, self-important PR types, and caterers drop in for the evening and put on a happy face to earn some bucks while dreading the ride back, probably the same night.
14. The Montauker
People who don’t go to the Hamptons like to put those who do into a box. People don’t belong in boxes; they deserve to run free, like dogs (see above). The preconceived notion is that all Hamptons vacationers want to pop bottles at clubs, and eat lobster stuffed with caviar encrusted filet mignon. Montaukers break that mold. These are people looking for a more laid-back Hamptons experience. They tend to be more outdoorsy, down to Earth, and lower maintenance. They are also crazy for driving four hours to get to their house.
Editor's Note: Have a happy Labor Day. We'll see you next summer!