24 Things You Need to Do Before You're Officially a Houstonian

Houston is hot right now, and gaining transplants by the minute -- but you're not officially "from" here until you've done these 24 things. And then complained about, ugh, all the transplants.

1. Have a favorite tequila 

And a second, third, and fourth string... just in case the bar doesn’t have your el tóxico of choice.

2. Figure out how to pronounce Kuykendahl 

And roll your eyes at those that leave out the “r.”

3. Start to actually kinda hate Dallas 

And while you’re at it, maybe hate a little bit on Austin, too. 

4. Eat two or more unnecessary deep-fried foodstuffs at the Rodeo 

Boudin, cheesecake, and Snickers dipped in batter and subsequently, a vat of oil? Yes, please! 

5. Correct someone that puts a period after the "Dr" in Dr Pepper 

Mr Pepper didn’t endure 10 years of medical school just for people to get the punctuation on his name wrong.

6. Get a sunburn just from walking your dog 

Then learn your lesson and begin each morning with a highly sophisticated sunscreen ritual.

7. Wait three weeks to get a reservation at Uchi 

And willingly do it again and again because you know it’s worth it. 

8. Get yourself into a tent at the World’s Championship Bar-B-Q cook-off

No more having to feign amusement over your balding coworker’s frat stories. 

9. Develop an intense addiction to Buc-ee’s 

Specifically, the cut-to-order beef jerky, fudge, and Beaver Nuggets.

10. Know when it's crawfish season, oyster season, and lovebug season 

And that it’s always, ALWAYS mosquito season.

11. Have a fiercely strong opinion about the city’s best breakfast taco 

As well as the city’s best brewery. And be ride-or-die about both. 

12. Submit to the fact that rush-hour traffic is happening 

And regularly pick up a Chick-fil-A milkshake to get you through the pain.

13. Know what’s coming up during the seventh-inning stretch (besides a BBQ-stuffed potato) 

You didn’t learn every word to “Deep in the Heart of Texas” for nothin’! 

14. Truly experience Screwston 

Whether you got hit with a ridiculous parking ticket, saw a crazy increase in property taxes, or are attempting to obtain a city permit, once you’ve experienced Screwston, you’re one of us.

15. Include H Mart and Fiesta on your list of preferred grocery stores 

The Randalls on Shepherd just doesn’t carry the type of hot peppers you need.

16. Barely survive the night in Midtown 

Did that bachelor/bachelorette party dance-off at Shot Bar get real intense, real quick... or was it just you? 

17. Dine at (at least) three different locations of Pappadeaux 

Mostly for work dinners. But also because... happy hour. 

18. Succumb to the fact that you’re not going to walk “there” 

Sure it looks nice out, but it’s probably hotter than you think, and there’s about a 70% chance it’ll be torrentially downpouring in 10 minutes so... wanna split an Uber?

19. Complain about gentrification 

While “thrift” shopping for designer hand-me-downs along Westheimer.and eating a kugelhopf and chocolate chip cookie from Common Bond. 

20. Have a good hurricane/tropical storm/flood story 

Note to future self: kayaking down the streets and making the news for being an idiot is NOT a good idea.

21. Get accustomed to showing up to work with crack sweat 

And combat the 90-degree weather/full-suit double whammy with the elaborate fan set-up you’ve developed in your cube.

22. Instagram a photo of the skyline from Eleanor Tinsley Park 

Because you know with hashtags like #HtownLove, #ClutchCity, and #MyHouston, you’re guaranteed at *least* 20 likes.

23. Fail to understand how people don’t like crawfish

Even if you were pretty weary of the mudbugs two years ago, you’ve realized the error of your ways and now put ‘em down by the pound.  

24. Defend the city’s honor to outsiders at all costs 

Bonus points if you do it wearing cowboy boots while insisting we “aren’t cowboys, bro.”  

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