25 signs you just moved to Houston

It’s hard being the new guy in a big city. Especially when that city is as hardcore in love with itself (and rightfully so) as Houston is. You may think you’re fitting in, but you’re actually standing out like a fat kid at CrossFit. Here’s why: 

1. You're on the hunt for a good bacon, egg & cheese sandwich instead of a good bacon, egg & cheese taco

We can help you with that.

2. You just uttered the phrase, "I don’t really like jalapeños"

Stop doing that. Start doing jalapeños.

3. You underestimated the August heat and attempted to walk to the bar

  "It's only a mile away," you say. "I did it all the time back home." Fool. FOOL!

4. You are actually excited for your first Astros game

Didn’t you hear? Everything is bigger here, including disappointment.

5. Your big weekend plans? You think you’ll check out the Downtown Aquarium

Again, that thing about disappointment.

6. You haven’t shopped at Fiesta

 Or been to a Buc-ee’s. We feel sad for you.

7. You just rented a sick apartment and it’s not too far from the city

It’s in Katy!

8. You waited until Sunday morning to buy beer for your tailgate

Looks like someone’s not drinking before the game.


9. You haven’t been to any of these bars

Or made poor life choices at any of these

10. People keep talking about kolaches, but you have no idea what they are

You should ask.

11. The number of sandals you own is 0

No one cares how hairy your feet are – embrace the flip-flop.

12. Who needs a car? You plan to rely on public transportation.


13. You refuse to suck the heads

Life is too short, man. It’s just too short.

14. You prefer McDonald’s over Whataburger

We almost feel bad for you. Almost...

15. You asked for extra BBQ sauce on your brisket

God only knows what kind of sad, sad brisket you’ve eaten in the past.

16. You think every single driver on the road is insane

Wait, scratch that. They are. You'll just get used to it.

17. You brought your famous chili to a party and didn't understand why there was so much left

It’s because they were too busy eating that other guy's chili -- the one WITHOUT beans, served in Fritos bags.

18. You haven’t experienced a hurricane yet

But you talk a lot about your hurricane preparedness.

19. You didn’t buy any of those tacos in that gas station

More barbacoa for us.

20. You drive the speed limit

This is seriously concerning. You’re going to get run over.

21. You went to the BBQ cook-off without an "in" at one of the tents

Good luck with that.

22. You’ve never experienced the sheer madness that is mutton bustin'

Or felt the sheer joy of your Kroger wagon winning the race.

23. You don’t know about the Downtown tunnels

Or you do know about them, and are super excited to check them out!

24. You drove to work when it was flurrying

While the rest of your group was working from home in their pajamas.

25. You think Austin is a cooler city

The rest of us know better.

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