And lo, on a day with only minor humidity and a hint of breeze, J.J. Watt drove an F-150 over from Pearland and came down upon the city of Houston carrying a Whataburger and a tablet. And he gave unto the denizens of Space City these 26 Commandments, which, if followed, would lead to happy lives full of endless queso.
And the tablet read:
1. Have one more taco
Thine diet starts Monday.
2. Honor thy ZZ Top
And Bun B, while thou is at it.
3. Prefer Bloody Marias to Bloody Marys
As there shall be no other drinks before tequila.
4. Keep holy the Buffalo Bayou
Just because the water looks dirty doesn’t mean it is.
5. Taketh advantage of Sunday Funday
By respecting thy boozy brunch.
6. Remember the Astrodome, to keep it holy
For what it once was, not what it currently is.
7. Add hot sauce
8. Acknowledge from whence thou came
La Porte is not Houston. And that’s okay.
9. Decree all other styles of barbecue as inferior
Because to say otherwise would be to lie.
10. Partaketh in crawfish season
And ALWAYS sucketh the heads.
11. Believe this is the year for the Astros
Until a playoff berth cometh. Amen.
13. Defend thy city’s honor to the uninitiated
Whether you were raised here or have spent enough time here to appreciate its intricacies, go forth and spread the good word.
THOU SHALT NOT...
14. Go above medium rare
Does thou not appreciate good things?
15. Covet thy neighbor’s city
You know what our neighbors don’t have? ALL OF THESE ACCOLADES.
16. Expect streets free of construction
Nor free of traffic.
17. Choose Starbucks over Greenway Coffee
Nor Budweiser over Karbach. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
18. Refer to thy city as "Screwston"
Unless thou has been seriously screwed. Which will probably happen. So fine, thou can speak it -- just don’t inscribeth it on Twitter.
19. Settle for crappy tortillas
Even HEB makes fresh ones daily.
20. Take for granted October through April
Because summer is coming, and it will be a long one.
21. Forget thy SPF 45
Especially if thou is golfing.
22. Be stingy with thine pool
Unless thou art a dick.
23. Attempt driving in the “snow”
Despite the lack of white stuff outside thy window, honor thy local news reporter and stay off the roads, lest thou wanteth to be the car on TV stuck in a ditch.
24. Forget thine seasons
Oyster. Crawfish. Football. Mosquito.
25. Seek to make “Midtrose” happen
People are just coming to terms with the fact that “EaDo” is a thing. Don’t pusheth thy luck.