The 99 problems with Houston

Look, Houston's a fantastic city that's totally on the rise, and not just with regard to its cholesterol. But we know we’re not perfect. We've got some problems -- 99 of them to be exact. Here’s the proof:

1. Parking Wars is not just a TV show
2. Crawfish season ends
3. We’re responsible for sizzurp
4. Today’s forecast: torrential downpour followed by ten hours of face-melting sun
5. Texas A&M fans
6. The Texans' starting quarterback went to Harvard
7. We ONLY have two Chinatowns
8. Too many burbs, not enough city
9. The Rockets' offseason
10. Have you seen our bayou?
11. That’s our closest body of water
12. "Choke City"
13. Swamp ass
14. Swamp everywhere else, too
15. Enron
16. Our train is pretty useless
17. Wait, there’s a train?
18. You always miss Jeopardy because it plays at a stupid hour
19. That was your house that got broken into on the five o'clock news
20. We killed the Astrodome
21. Too many oil execs
22. Too. Many. Trucks.

Cloud 99 Problems with HOU

23. Winter is never coming
24. The dry area of The Heights
25. We had an AHL hockey team, and even they left us (RIP Aeros)
26. Our bagel game blows
27. The perpetual war between bikers and drivers
28. That day when Montrose rollerblade guy’s not out
29. That day when Montrose rollerblade guy is out but the light turned so you didn’t get a video
30. Your car is being towed as we speak
31. The Tinder pool is too small. ‘Hey, Carol from accounting!’
32. A little game called "Gunshots or Fireworks?"
33. Gators (the UF fans, not the swamp creatures, though we have those too)
34. Your sole pool towel is wet
35. It’s too hot for your creative facial hair
36. No one knows how to merge
37. We can’t ever enjoy hot tubs
38. Waiting two weeks for a reservation at Uchi
39. Those checks for cash huts all over town
40. The street is glittering! Oh, that’s just your shattered car window.
41. The Real Housewives of River Oaks
42. You don’t live in River Oaks
43. Killen’s Barbecue is so far
44. People complaining about traffic
45. People complaining about people complaining about traffic
46. The bars close at 2am
47. Not everywhere serves breakfast tacos
48. Another oil spill
49. The line at the breakfast klub
50. Hurricanes
51. AND tornados
52. BB’s isn’t open 24/7

Flood 99 Problems with HOU

53. Our beach is Galveston
54. Your new boss is 25
55. You feel bad for that panhandler because he has such a sweet sign
56. Bros in flip-flops
57. Intern season
58. That tall guy in front of you at turtle racing
59. Jalapeño in your eye
60. Hot sauce in your beard
61. "Pick Six" is now trending
62. You feel guilty for liking Chipotle
63. Metro Midtown
64. May through October
65. Not getting a seat at Trivia Night
66. Look to your left. Look to your right. They’re both 22-year-old engineers. And they both make more money than you do.
67. Having to dodge truck debris on the highway
68. The new wristband policy at your pool
69. When guests want to go to the Museum District
70. Against all common sense, our one big music festival is in June
71. It’s so hard to leave the loop
72. Trying to buy a house now vs. trying to buy a house two years ago
73. The Texans were just teasing
74. A single flurry shuts down the entire city
75. But you’re expected in the office during that tropical storm
76. Fire ants
77. "No parking here to corner"
78. Lime inflation
79. You can’t decide which awesome brewery to go to this Saturday
80. Nothing is within walking distance

Bridge 99 Problems with HOU
Flickr/Patrick Feller

81. About to leave work? There’s a flood watch.
82. That one place that won’t split the check
83. You forgot your steel toe boots at home
84. Monday’s hangover
85. The line at Shot Bar
86. Meat sweats
87. That time your buddies convinced you to try a ghost pepper
88. That sweet jacket sitting in your closet with its tags still on
89. You can’t get into a tent at the Bar-B-Que Cook-Off
90. Astros game PTSD
91. You need to look good in a bathing suit all year round, but you really want another taco
92. All those years without Uber
93. That guy at work that invites you to a pool party in Katy
94. Your bike is being stolen right now
95. Everything’s so flat
96. Brawls over taking margaritas to go
97. Revival Market doesn’t make kolaches every weekend
98. If you didn’t have allergies before moving here, you do now
99. Dallas is far too close for comfort