46 Things You’ll Never, Ever Hear a Houstonian Say

Free speech may be the cornerstone of this democracy, but that doesn't mean we have to use it, like, ALL the time. In fact, there are many times when a Houstonian will reserve his right to not say certain things at all. Specifically, these 46 things:
1. “It was hot out so I just jumped in the bayou to cool off.”
2. “Man, parking in Houston is easy, amiright?”
3. “No jalapeños for me, thanks.”
4. “Of course I walked here. It was only five blocks.”
5. “Bottomless mimosas? I’ll pass.”
6. “I live downtown.”
7. “I’m just going to pop into the Galleria real quick.”
8. “I think I’ll just have a salad.”

9. “August is hands down the best month to visit.”
10. “One thing I love is how Houston drivers are so respectful.”
11. “I hope you put beans in that chili!”
12. “You really can’t find any good (insert literally any ethnic food here) anywhere.”
13. “Oh, you’re birthday party is in The Woodlands? Yeah, I’d love to come!”
14. “This steak is way too large.”
15. “No, I don’t know anyone that works in energy.”
16. “Or in the Med Center.”


17. “Tacos for breakfast? That’s ludicrous!”
18. “There aren’t nearly enough Pappadeaux around.”
19. “What’s a kolache?”
20. “Hey, you guys!”
21. “I just CAN’T BELIEVE that’s still under construction! They’re usually so much faster.”
22. “No, it didn’t rain today.”
23. “So I was having this super-intellectual conversation with this chick at Pub Fiction, and...”

24. “Downtown was packed!”
25. “I wish I knew someone with a pool.”
26. “Feeder? I think you mean a frontage road, bro.”
27. “God bless the Astros!”
28. “Now that the Texans are out, I think I’ll root for the Cowboys.”
29. “What’s a fiesta?”
30. “Well I’m not actually from Houston; I live in (insert suburb here).”
31. “I can’t drink this Bloody Mary. It’s too spicy.”

32. “Washington Ave totally is the new Midtown.”
33. “Ewww, crawfish are nasty.”
34. “Why is there no traffic on Westheimer?”
35. “NRG Stadium.”
36. “Of course I’m stoked about seeing your family in Beaumont this weekend.”
37. “If only more restaurants had valet...”
38. “Well, thankfully it’s a short drive to Dallas.”
39. “I’ll meet you there, I’m taking the light rail.”

40. “No thanks, it’s too early to start drinking.”
41. “Queso is just like Cheez Whiz, right?”
42. “I haven’t run my A/C in, like, six months.”
43. “What’s boudin?”
44. “Sayyy what?? I didn’t know Beyoncé was from here!”
45. “No, I can’t do happy hour today.”
46. “Sorry, I don’t drink tequila.”

Sign up here for our daily Houston email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.