The 25 worst decisions you can make in Houston

You live in Houston, so clearly you’re doing something right. But like playing with a Ouija board in a horror film, it just takes one wrong move before you’re being haunted by a psychopathic demon that wants to take over your soul. To help you avoid that (or maybe just to help you not have a bad day), here are the 25 worst decisions you can make in Houston:

1. Not carrying a bathing suit on your person at all times

You may have planned on going home after brunch, but now that you’re mimosa-fueled, doesn’t crushing Lone Star in your friend’s pool look way better than preparing for that presentation tomorrow?

2. Not having an umbrella in your car at all times

In fact, keep your umbrella with your bathing suit. You’ll probably need both today.

3. Coming into contact with the Buffalo Bayou water

After 3 hours at FPSF, it may seeeem like a good idea, but it's not. It's really, really not.

4. Not watching the surge prices during any major holiday or festival

Including but not limited to Halloween, Saint Patrick’s Day, and any football game Johnny Football is even vaguely related to. You will get be taking a $50+ Uber home.

5. Not learning at least a little bit of Spanish

Or at least knowing the following: al pastor, lengua, chicharrón. Speaking of which...

6. Actually calling your hookup from Shot Bar

Hear this rule and remember it forever: Never fall in love at Shot Bar.

7. Thinking you turned your air off for real this time


8. Going near 610 and 59 instead of taking literally any other route

This is relevant on pretty much any morning, mid-, and late-afternoon ever.

9. Failing to order the fatty-end of the brisket

It’s sad how much you must be missing out on in life.

10. Dating someone outside the Loop

Doesn't matter how hot she is, those trips to La Porte are gonna get real tired, real quick.

11. Swiping right after the bars close

The only thing you should be doing after the bars close is eating at one of these places

12. Thinking you have to drive everywhere

News flash: some 'hoods are pedestrian friendly. Head to Montrose and Midtown to bar hop on foot, or rent a B-cycle and explore Downtown and the Heights. Just do this now before that molten fireball comes to melt everyone for another six months.

13. Related: thinking you can walk anywhere in August

That sun thing.

14. Getting bagels from anywhere but Hot Bagel Shop or New York Bagels

Wait, where are you even going, then?

15. Not hiring a mover

This is an exponentially poor choice in the summer. It’s hot as hell. Your new apartment complex has stairs. And your friends really aren't that impressed with your pizza and beer offer.

16. Moving into any place that doesn’t have a pool

And if for some reason you still do, No. 2 becomes even more critical.

17. Leaving any valuables anywhere remotely visible in your car

Did you not see that glass lining the street?

18. Comcast

Always and forever.

19. Starting a tab at any of these bars 

Chances of you leaving the bar with your card are slim.

20. Telling your friends you’ll do touristy things with them

Instead of telling them you’ll take them for Tex-Mex and whiskey

21. Visiting Dallas

Even if you have family there.

22. Not checking out the Waugh bat bridge

This is an exception to the touristy rule. Because 300,000 bats spiraling out from underneath a bridge is pretty freaking cool. Plus it happens almost everyday at sunset, so just do it already.

23. Driving to your [insert social sports game here]

You know you’re going out after. Just give up and take a cab.

24. Not triple checking your parking spot

Are you sure you’re not parked "from here to corner?"

25. Going for a run at noon in the summer

Either get up at the crack of dawn or go running at night. Unless you enjoy near-death experiences at Memorial Park.

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