Houston is most definitely a city of neighborhoods. And while there positives when it comes to each -- mainly their proximities to at least one excellent bar, grocery store, and gas station with a built-in taco shop -- there are also plenty of things that aren't the greatest. Time to explore the downside of Houston's most prominent neighborhoods.
Montrose
Where the inventive-facial-hair set goes to judge each other, married couples go to chokehold their youth, and no one ever goes to park. You should really only be living here if you a) have a tattoo; b) are an avid bicyclist; or c) have a seriously sturdy income, because soon enough everyone is going to get priced the hell out.
Midtown
The city’s basic bitch. Though a good portion of Midtown has a chill party scene, there’s that little section in the Northwest corner where dudebros and sloppy chicks crush all the Jägerbombs and vodka sodas they can handle. It’s like a frat party from hell that can actually be quite fun, depending on how many drinks you’ve had.
River Oaks
This ‘hood sucks because 1) it’s snooty and 2) you’re probably not rich enough to live here. And if you do live here or kinda know anyone that lives here (like in the really big mansion part), hook it up in the comments section, because we really want to go to one of those parties with its own valet.
East Downtown
Old Chinatown, aka EaDo, aka a pretty ugly place where 28-year-old condo owners have really banked on their realtor's claims that the area is "up-and-coming.” Judging by all of the abandoned warehouses... they're still waiting.
This Sport Takes Ice Skating to Extreme Heights
Downtown
The little engine that... may be able to, but no one's really sure yet. Look, everyone wants Downtown to be popping, but it’s still a little too desolate to be the front-and-center of the country’s fourth largest city. Let’s hope the renovations to the bayou and the powerhouse row of bars along Main make people actually want to live here. Because seriously, who lives here?
East End
A largely Latino neighborhood with lot of character... that is going to slowly but surely be ruined by gentrification. The coffee shops. They're coming.
Washington
Split between recent grads and 30-year-olds living next to train tracks because they were convinced Washington was going to be the "new Midtown." Ditto that for restaurants and bars that signed leases on the street only to close a year or two later. Literally nothing can survive here, not even the longstanding Los Dos Amigos that was open since 1976 and is closing this February. Where does one go for hangover enchiladas now? WHERE!!?
Third Ward
A section of town known in rap circles as "The Tre," rich in history and culture, and also one of the 25 most dangerous neighborhoods in the US, according to a 2013 NeighborhoodScout.com study. Also, there are way too many UH students running around making everyone (or at least the author!) feel old.
Insert outer suburb here
Where everyone has kids, all the houses look the same, Pappadeaux is a big night out, and... what the hell are you doing here again?
Upper Kirby
Where the chance of a Botox sighting is as inevitable as finding yourself stuck in traffic. Though pretentious clubs like Roak and the short-lived Dorisa closed, the stench of douchebaggery still lingers. Or maybe we’re just jealous we don’t live closer Kata Robata and the movie theater.
Garden Oaks/Oak Forest
Where you meet at a rotating selection of five bars every Friday night after sitting in 45 minutes of traffic and stopping home to get your dog, then end up needing to take a $30 Uber home and, good lord, where’s your dog?! But yeah, Cottonwood is pretty sweet. See you there next Friday.
Rice Military
Where things were cheap but now they’re not, and everyone’s contemplating whether to hold on to their newly-renovated-but-still-creaky three bedroom townhome or give up and move to the 'burbs. Though, they did just put that Walmart nearby!
Galleria
You must really love crowded streets; crowded sidewalks; and crowded, overpriced restaurants. Also, remember that earlier thing about the Botox? Triple that here.
Heights
Where 30-year-olds pretend to be 20-year-olds and houses cost way too much. It doesn’t matter how many brews you slammed at Christian’s last Sunday, everyone can still see gray hairs in your mustache. Also, your wife just called. The roof on your recently purchased fixer-upper is leaking
That dry part of the Heights
Enough said.
Rice
Half stroller moms cruising Pier 1, half college kids losing their minds at The Ginger Man. 100% not a good mix.
Memorial
Imagine a bunch of really fit people talking about their 5am 18mi run and Snap Kitchen’s latest juice cleanse as you’re downing a box of chorizo kolaches. Are you annoyed yet? So is everyone else.
We know we missed a bunch of neighborhoods that are completely worthy of mocking... so feel free to chime in about them (behind their backs) in the comments.
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