Have a royally good time

Get ready for the break-out-the-guillotine part of Dalton Kingsland's usurpation of Shoreditch: Land of Kings, returning over the bank holiday weekend to fill 15 East London venues with a staggering 60+ bands (from The Horrors DJs to Speech Debelle), plus an all-new "arts & creative" lineup. Just a smattering of things you could be doing while briefly suspending your hatred of the banks for having enough power to actually create holidays:

If you're really into light entertainment and strong puns: See the Laser Cave DJs, a disc-spinning duo dressed entirely in tin foil, putting on an "epic cosmic disco powered by a s**t-ton of lasers".

If you're for culture and against the repression of caffeinated beverages: Hit the "Diet Coke is Illegal in the Philippines" event, which involves a three-course meal, live music, a philosophy lecture, "brain burst" bingo, and a ballet performance not performed by two fat ladies.

If you're crazy enough to still be entering physical competitions at your advanced age: The Austerity Games will see a huge post-war concrete bunker turned into an underground labyrinth of still-secret "insane" sporting events, with vintage sporting medals for winners.

If your internet is down: Take your horniness to Slagbox, a singles night where attraction is publicly announced, and the evening ends with "slaglotto", wherein randomly paired "winners" are both shoved into a cab, after which they're free to do the things you currently can't watch on your internet.

All of this, of course, is underpinned by a vast amount of feasting, including "burgers on steroids" by the Walala Greasy Spoon popup, a daytime BBQ from The Four Aces, and a visit from the Meatwagon -- not a very artistic or creative name, but it gets the point across rather sharply.