The 24 London Commandments
And lo, Boris Johnson came down from the top of Hampstead Heath with two tablets filled with words of wisdom on how to live and abide in the fair city of London. If adhered to, these rules would help the city get along, eat good food, and not get robbed blind. These tablets of wisdom did read:
1. Have a favorite burger joint
Honest Burgers, MEATLiquor, Dirty Burger, Five Guys. Whatever. Pick one and stand by it.
2. Know how to navigate Soho
It may be a grid system, but thy will still get lost somehow.
3. Have a couch, extra bed, bath tub, or floor space for visitors to sleep on
Hotels are crazy expensive. Why? Because people really, really want to come here.
4. Know at least one secret bar
Be it walking through a juice bar, fridge, wardrobe, or just a basic unmarked door.
5. BBQ on an even remotely sunny day
We have lots of parks, and not lots of sun. When the two finally meet, you must EXPLOIT IT. So sayeth the Lord.
6. Go to Borough Market
You will have to contend with tourists. It's the price ye must pay for delicious food (as well as the actual price).
7. Stand on the right on the escalator
Unless thou art courting death.
8. Have a local pub
It might not be pretty, but it should feel like home.
9. Support a local football club
Manchester United is not local.
10. Explore this amazing city
Live West? Great, go check out East or even (gasp) South. No excuses.
11. Get thyself out to some culture
We have some of the best museums & galleries in the world, and they are FREE.
12. Know how to pronounce stuff
Chiswick, Marylebone, Holborn, Southwark, even The Mall. Especially The Mall.
THOU SHALT NOT...
1. Think going to Fabric past 2am is a good idea
But to be honest, before 2am, there is a gigantic queue jammed with students waiting for you, so pick your battle.
2. Choose to live in Zone 6, and then complain how far out it is
Trust us Mr. "I have a walk-in closet", you can afford the commute.
3. Go to Oxford Street on the weekend
This commandment only exists because so many people break it. Thine mind is now blown.
4. Own a really nice bike
It will just get stolen and then sold on Brick Lane. Also, don’t buy a bike on Brick Lane.
5. Eat at an Angus Steakhouse
6. Expect the Tube to work on the weekend
Maybe it will! Who knows. Just never, ever, count on it.
7. Complain about the weather
Thine small talk, and thine attitudes, will be better for it.
8. Ride a Boris Bike if you don’t know what you’re doing
It has one speed -- slow.
9. Make eye contact on the Tube
Even if it is your BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD you notice sitting opposite.
10. Walk slowly on a busy street
Lest thy be struck down with the wrathful vengeance of people with places to be.
11. Question a black cabbie’s knowledge
He knows more than Google Maps.
12. Talk in a Cockney dialect
Or thou shalt be in Barney Rubble.