The 99 problems with London

Despite what Jay Z might try to tell you, the only problem we know he has for sure is a tendency to over-exaggerate -- London, on the other hand, really does have 99 problems, and here they are...

1. Tube strikes are occasionally interrupted by normal service
2. Google Maps has replaced The Knowledge
3. You can’t swim in the Thames
4. House prices
5. House prices
6. House prices
7. There are either too many burger places, or not enough
8. The old Routemasters are almost gone for good
9. Our mayor occasionally, very publically makes himself look like a total oaf
10. We’ve only won the Champions League once, and a Russian billionaire had to buy it for us
11. Tourists here hunt in packs
12. It’s apparently full of rioters
13. Everyone in East London is cooler than you
14. Everyone in West London is richer than you
15. We’re on series SEVEN of Made in Chelsea
16. The guy shout-preaching at you near Oxford Circus
17. Try riding a Boris Bike without looking like a tool. Try.
18. The M25
19. Russian/Saudi/Chinese billionaires own everything
20. The Queen actually lives in Windsor
21. People sell parking spaces on property sites
22. We’re utterly dependent on The City
23. Banksy 
24. Whole Foods costs all the riches of the land
25. Congestion charging
26. “Get the London look”
27. Hollywood has started routinely destroying us instead of New York
28. Every pub is a chain pub
29. Pigeons will eventually develop a taste for human blood

30. Red telephone boxes are now exclusively used for sex lines
31. Oyster Card clash
32. People who stand on the left
33. Restaurants don’t take bookings anymore
34. Chavs
35. The cinema is bewilderingly expensive
36. The Gherkin and The Cheesegrater are making our skyline look like a kitchen counter
37. During Summer, the Tube is just a sauna without the nudity
38. Engineering works 
39. ... and the replacement bus service 
40. 25 degrees outside? -50 in the shops. 
41. This pizza is too big to eat solo
42. Simon Cowell will probably get a blue plaque
43. Protesters
44. No bins in train stations
45. You’re from “Laaahn-daaahn”
46. UKIP
47. Craft beer is here! And it’s expensive. 
48. “Please move right inside the carriage” is apparently audible only to you
49. Taking the stairs rather than the escalator, and instantly regretting it
50. The actual London accent is terrible
51. The Notting Hill Carnival is forever associated with gangs
52. Someone always takes the free Metro 
53. Want a last minute table in Soho? Hahaha. 
54. Forgot your Oyster Card? Your journey now costs a tenner.
55. M&M’s World
56. Human statues
57. Chuggers
58. The Northern Line 
59. Hyde Park gigs are all unplugged
60. We pay for each nice day with three crappy ones
61. Soho bookshop? That’s not a bookshop.
62. Lock, Stock made cockneys feel cool
63. Traffic wardens have quotas, aren’t afraid to use them
64. The outside air is one big asthma factory
65. Rickshaws
66. Food trucks aren’t called food vans
67. People are beginning to know about hidden bars
68. Making eye contact with a stranger on the Tube

69. The Shard doesn’t look finished
70. According to TFL, 2cm of snow is an “extreme weather condition”
71. You can get sunburned, you can’t tan
72. We won’t host the Olympics again for at least another 50 years
73. Oxford St has TWO Primarks
74. Oxford St is generally impassable
75. Heathrow is the first thing many international visitors see
76. ... or Gatwick
77. There are only three burrito places per person
78. Urban foxes
79. New Year's Eve puts you in debt for the new year
80. 11pm closing times are here to stay
81. Busses seemingly terminate at random
82. Everything is a pop-up
83. “Lie-sester Square”
84. The Tube closes at midnight
85. Angus Steakhouses
86. It’ not a coffee. It’s an “Americano”.
87. Cabs that still don’t take credit cards
88. Smash & grab raids take place on mopeds
89. Even the taxis are striking now
90. Pitt Cue is too small 
91. Kevin Bacon has overstayed his welcome
92. Borough Market is one big ongoing photo shoot
93. The richer the area, the cheaper the council tax
94. Cyclicts no longer have warning bells 
95. A neighbourhood is only cool if it’s impoverished and dangerous
96. Duck tours are back
97. One-way systems EVERYWHERE
98. South London = a third of the population, less than 10% of the Tube stations
99. Yodel