What Every London Borough Is the Best & Worst at
Each of the 33 boroughs wrapped up by the M25 is special in its own unique ways. Each has something it can brag about with pride, and something it can brag about... with irony and a hint of shame. Yes, we trawled the stats, read the surveys, and scoured the Internet, and found out what each borough is both best and worst at...
Barking and Dagenham
Best: Most affordable homes
Worst: Most teen pregnancies
Teens in Barking are one step closer to being able to afford that first home. Plus, they saved money not buying a condom!
City of LondonBest: Most charities
Worst: Fewest schools
Well, despite the lack of schools, it looks like The City has learned something.
EnfieldBest: Most swearing on Twitter
Worst: Worst food hygiene
It isn't rocket science, people. When you find a hair in your soup, you Tweet the sh*t out of it.
HackneyBest: Most cyclists
Worst: Most measles
The takeaway seems clear -- if you don't catch a bus, you'll end up catching something else.
HaringeyBest: Biggest Cypriot population
Worst: Slowest broadband
If you're in Haringey now... congratulations on being able to load this page!
HaveringBest: Most pensioners
Worst: least ethnically diverse
If boroughs could grow limbs and play golf, you can pretty much guarantee Havering would.
NewhamBest: Highest fertility rate
Worst: Most overcrowded homes
Um, surprise, sur-bloody-prise.
RedbridgeBest: Most startups
Worst: Most house repossessions
They can take the house, as long as you keep the garage/business centre.
Tower HamletsBest: Most tall buildings planned
Worst: Most arsonists
Er... we have some bad news for the people planning to put those buildings up...
Waltham ForestBest: Longest-running street market
Worst: Smallest economy
Waltham's attitude has long been, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." And now it's broke.
BarnetBest: Most twin towns
Worst: Most potholes
Learn about foreign towns with better streets!
BrentBest: Most diversity
Worst: Most failing schools
On the plus side, the schools are failing the maximum possible number of ethnic groups.
CamdenBest: Best primary schools
Worst: Most drug misuse
Learning to count is just a gateway to learning to weigh, divide, and then haggle over.
City of WestminsterBest: Most valuable houses
Worst: Highest crime rate
Both of these stats are skewed by the fact that the Houses of Parliament are located here.
EalingBest: Longest-running Nando's
Worst: Most people living in sheds
No, this is not a commentary on the size of an average London flat. Aided by exploitative landlords, migrants desperate for a bed will often opt for a literal garden shed. Near to a legacy Nando's.
Hammersmith and FulhamBest: Most football clubs
Worst: Worst traffic
You think the traffic's bad now? Just wait until game day.
HarrowBest: Lowest teen pregnancy rate
Worst: Most overcrowded primary schools
Thankfully, it looks like that overcrowding problem should solve itself soon enough!
HillingdonBest: Highest car ownership
Worst: Worst obesity rates
Look Hillingdon, we know you love your car, but unless you start walking places occasionally you're going to damage the suspension.
HounslowBest: Smallest change in daily population
Worst: Most asbestos fly-tipping
Almost exactly as many people commute out of Hounslow each day as commute into it... apparently, to dump carcinogens.
IslingtonBest: Most single people
Worst: Most binge drinking
These two seem to go naturally hand-in-hand (unlike Islington residents).
Kensington and ChelseaBest: Most affluent
Worst: Most air pollution
The residents are wealthy enough to afford the best of everything, except air.
BexleyBest: Most commercial river activity
Worst: Fewest Tube stations
Why would you need a Tube station when you can just catch a boat down the river?
BromleyBest: Most green space
Worst: Most carbon emissions per capita
Apparently Bromley-ites, complacent in their lush, verdant surroundings, feel fine to pump as much carbon into the air as they please.
CroydonBest: Most office romances
Worst: Most bicycle theft
Croydon's lesson to the world: after enough sweaty lovemaking sessions by the photocopier, the only way you can feel alive any more is to steal a bike.
GreenwichBest: Longest riverfront
Worst: Worst school truancy rates
Greenwich also has the "most Prime Meridians," but that one would be sort of cheating.
LewishamBest: Most "very small" businesses
Worst: Fewest cinemas
Apparently Lewisham is a centre of enterprise (but not Starship Enterprise).
SouthwarkBest: Best roads
Worst: Most power cuts
Why is Two-Face in charge of Southwark's infrastructure??
Kingston upon ThamesBest: Lowest crime rate
Worst: Most expensive council tax
The only people robbing you in Kingston are the council. Better the devil you know!
LambethBest: Most bus lanes
Worst: Highest murder rate
When people in Lambeth say "You could get hit my a bus tomorrow," they mean it sort of optimistically.
MertonBest: Most-improved GCSE results
Worst: Most litter
Most of that litter is probably Nadal's busted racquets.
Richmond upon ThamesBest: Longest life expectancy
Worst: Most crimes against animals
Punishments ought to be handed down in dog years.
SuttonBest: Easiest place to sell your house
Worst: Highest rate of HIV
Remember, this does not make it the easiest place to buy a house.
WandsworthBest: Cheapest council tax
Worst: Most people leaving
If you had to pay, ugh, low rates of council tax, you'd probably leave too.
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