And lo, on the sunniest day, Vin Scully came down from Mulholland carrying a tablet (well, he was probably helped by someone -- dude's getting up there), and on it were these 25 inscribed commandments... which he gave to the people of LA and then headed to the beach.
1. Pick a side in the In-N-Out Burger vs. Fatburger vs. Umami Burger debate
And be willing to support your side TO THE DEATH. Which probably will come from a pulmonary problem.
2. Know the correct pronunciation for "La Cienega", "Sepulveda", and "Pico"
And if you say "PIEco", you shall be smote.
3. Avoid the Third Street Promenade
Especially on weekends
. But yeah, most other times, too.
4. Know at least one of the good sushi places
Nope, that's not one of them
5. Get the bartender's choice at The Varnish
We get it. You really, really, really, really
want a dirty martini. But don't you dareth.
6. Circle at least twice before submitting to valet
Unless you're with someone wearing high heels. Then just suck it up and pay the $8, dude.
7. Zig-zag to get from point A to point B in traffic
Anyone going in a straight line to get somewhere that's diagonal from them on a map is a total sucker. Don't be a total sucker.
8. Leave some grocery bags in your car
You'll forget this one
, and then you'll have to pay the $0.10 tax. Where does that money go? Who knows!
9. Go to the San Gabriel Valley for dim sum
It's worth the drive. Seriously. Like, it's seriously worth the drive. LISTEN TO US. Worth the drive. Seriously.
10. Eat tacos in East LA
There's nothing scary about Guisados, except pronouncing the name correctly. And maybe the way the roof of your mouth feels before numbing it with horchata.
11. Drink outside, whenever possible
Whether it's at one of the dozens of BYO outdoor movie screenings
this Summer or on one of LA's seven best patios
. You live in LA. Literally everyone around the world wants to be you. Enjoy it. Live it. Love it.
12. Try surfing at least once
Probably within a year of moving here. And probably only once.
13. Take the Canyons
Coldwater, Laurel, Mulholland, Deep. If you don't know them, you should, because if you're going anywhere they go, they can save you an enormous amount of time
14. Hit the farmers markets
According to basically all of the chefs
, LA has the best produce in the country, and every single neighborhood has a farmers market to prove it. If you're buying your groceries at Trader Joe's
, stop doing that.
15. Support your friend's movie/ play/ comedy troupe/ band one time
And only one time. Unless they're actually good. Which is probably not going to happen.
16. Goeth to the beach...eth
Yes, it's a drive. And yes, it's crowded. But yes, it's also probably a big part of why you moved to LA (or stayed in LA, if you're one of us weirdos who are from here).
Thou Shalt Not...
1. Attempt to get anywhere in Hollywood during Hollywood Bowl season, other than the Hollywood Bowl
You're part of the problem, not the solution.
2. Call it "SiLa"
Call it Silver Lake. Call it Silverlake
. Call it The Eastside. DO NOT CALL IT "SiLa".
3. Be a fair weather fan (without admitting you're such)
Don't try to pretend you knew the Lakers' starting five at the beginning of the season, or that the Stanley Cup was something other than what the accountant drank from on The Office
. Just fess up to your fair weather fandom, and then finish installing your car flag.
4. Take Sunset Blvd
Ever. For anything
5. Expect to get someone's number if you're hiking in Runyon Canyon
Not that you couldn't, it's just that... well... you couldn't.
6. Dis the Valley if you've never been to the Valley
Dude. There's great food and drink
in the Valley. And your friends who live there are paying WAY less than you are. And it's still 20 minutes to... uh... anywhere(ish).
7. Be a bad USC fan
Because we all know they're the worst
8. Bother a celebrity for a photo/ autograph if they're talking to a friend/ having dinner/ doing something "normal people do"
Unless it's at The Grove. Then they're just asking for it.
9. Drive drunk
Ever. For any reason. Uber, Sidecar, Lyft, and taxis all exist so that 1) you don't kill anyone, and 2) you don't spend $10,000 you don't have to clean up a mess that didn't need to happen, at all.
Jeff Miller is Thrillist's LA Editor and is still upset his GPS continues to call it PIEco. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.