As Abraham Lincoln once said, "My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure. And also where all the strip clubs in LA are. And, like, whether they're full nude, or topless, or whatevs." Well, 150+ years later, we finally have Honest Abe's answer. Here are all 38 of LA's strip clubs, sorted by nudity level and neighborhood.

Sam's Hofbrau

Downtown

PlayPen
Arts District
Food: Yes
Booze: No
When most people talk about the Arts District as an “up and coming” neighborhood, they probably don’t have the PlayPen in mind. Or maybe they... do??
Nudity level: Fully nude

Sam’s After Dark
Downtown
Food: No
Booze: No
Wondering what to do with your time when Sam’s Hofbrau closes at 2am? Head down the road to his only slightly shabbier sister location that’s open until 6am for the full, ahem, view.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Alameda Strip
Downtown
Food: Yes 
Booze: Yes
Yes, there are $10 lap dances and Buffalo wings, but there’s not much more to write home about this honestly kind of sketchy spot.
Nudity level: Topless

Dames n' Games
Downtown 
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes
It can get pretty packed on the weekends at this slick Downtown location (soon to open in Van Nuys!), which can make it difficult to concentrate on the, uh, games. Good news, though: 20min express lunch!
Nudity level: Topless

Sam’s Hofbrau
Downtown
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes
If you haven’t made it rain in this iconic Downtown topless joint -- where the roster of dancers is almost as extensive as the halfway-decent menu -- you definitely know someone who has.
Nudity level: Topless

Cheetahs Club Hollywood

Hollywood/Los Feliz/Glendale

The Gentlemen’s Club
Glendale
Food: No
Booze: No
After a few rounds at Golden Road Brewery down the street, a self-described “European style chateau” strip club suddenly sounds entirely plausible and like a good idea. Actually it probably sounds like a good idea before that, too.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Nicola's Gentlemens Club
East LA
Food: No
Booze: Yes
Remember that dude you heard about who converted a run-down bar into a not-as-run-down strip club by adding lots of mirrors, red lightbulbs, and a small stage with a pole? Yeah, his name was Nicola.
Nudity level: Topless

Cheetahs
Los Feliz
Food: No
Booze: Yes
Definitely the "fanciest" of the bikini-clad pole-dancing joints, Cheetahs offers just enough grit and just enough polish to convince your visiting cousin that you live an edgy, yet respectable life in the big city.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Jumbo’s Clown Room
East Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: Yes
Far from the creepy daycare that the name might suggest, Jumbo’s is not only one of our favorite dive bars and a great place to make bad decisions, but there’s also a good chance you may recognize some of the impressively talented tattooed dancers from when you last visited the Silverlake farmers market.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Flickr/Thomas Hawk

Hollywood

DĂ©jĂ  Vu Showgirls
Hollywood/Multiple locations
Food: No
Booze: No
If you have that strange feeling that you’ve been to a place where waitresses dressed as maids bounce on a balloon on your lap and also clean the poles after the strippers dance; you’ve probably been to Déjà Vu.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Seventh Veil
Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: No
The neon of this Arabian palace on Sunset has likely caught your eye more than once. And though it's seen some renovations over the years, not much seems to have changed since Motley Crue raised hell there as one inspiration for "Girls, Girls, Girls."
Nudity level: Fully nude

Gold Diggers
Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: Yes
Everything about this dive feels a bit worn and the drinks are a bit pricey, but, hey, there are women dancing, and they are wearing bikinis, so... you’ve got that.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Crazy Girls
Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: Yes
A fresh coat of paint and a change in management a few years back significantly toned down the sketchiness of Crazy Girls, and the occasional live band appearing on stage with the girls doesn’t hurt either.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Jet Strip Gentlemen's Club

LAX-Adjacent

Rio Gentlemen’s Club
Harbor Gateway
Food: No 
Booze: Yes
Not the most gentlemanly club, but hey, you didn’t come here for a lesson in manners, you came here for the inexpensive dances, right? Right?
Nudity level: Fully nude

Jet Strip
Lennox
Food: Yes
Booze: No
Oh, so you happen to have time before your flight at LAX and want to grab a burger or a steak while watching lots of nakedness? Jet Strip is the place to land.
Nudity level: Fully nude
 
Exotic City
Westchester
Food: No
Booze: Yes
Looking to kill some time before your flight from LAX at a bar without food? Exotic City has you covered with a wide “menu” of options to suit a variety of, um, preferences.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Flickr/Thomas Hawk

South Bay

Ron’s Barbary Coast
Gardena
Food: No
Booze: No
While the name may be a subtle reference to San Francisco’s old red light-y district, there's nothing else subtle about this sketchy spot.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Starz
Gardena
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes (downstairs only)
Definitely not that other premium cable channel, this dual-level club offers dinner, drinks, and topless dancing downstairs, while those in search of something more can head up to the booze-free “Nude Room.”
Nudity level: Fully nude

Spearmint Rhino
Torrance/Multiple locations
Food: No
Booze: No
Definitely more on the corporate side of the strip scale, but, hey, any club with “Customer Appreciation” specials is alright in our book. Bonus: if you’re heading to the Downtown location from anywhere else in Downtown, they offer you a free cab ride!
Nudity level: Fully nude

Gabriella Muttone

South LA

Bare Elegance
Inglewood
Food: No 
Booze: No
This place has so many stages you won’t know where to look. Oh wait, yes, you will.
Nudity level: Fully nude

King Henry VIII
Hawthorne
Food: No
Booze: Yes
It’s good to be the king.
Nudity level: Topless

Charlie’s Live Entertainment
Hyde Park
Food: No
Booze: Yes
This super-tiny bikini bar feels a bit like a locals-only spot, though they do offer a little something for the ladies on Sunday nights.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Club 7557

The Valley

Godfather: The Gentlemens Club
Canoga Park/Van Nuys
Food: No
Booze: No
There’s probably going to be a few offers here that you are definitely going to want to refuse.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Xposed
Canoga Park
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes
Not only can you order chicken nuggets and pigs-in-a-blanket with your lap dance, but Xposed also offers the added bonus of Thursday night’s no-cover-for-couples deal and an adjoining bikini bar, The Wet Spot, where you can drink in between, uh, shows.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Blue Zebra Cabaret
North Hollywood
Food: Yes
Booze: No
If the promise of “snacks” and a chocolate fondue fountain isn’t enough to lure you into this cabaret, perhaps two-for-one dance specials will.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Club La Vida
Sun Valley
Food: No
Booze: No 
There’s nothing particularly flashy about La Vida and the prices for dances are pretty standard (don’t miss the three-for-$40 deal!), but with such a friendly and relaxed vibe, you’ll happily part with your hard-earned dollars.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Star Garden
North Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: Yes
This mom-and-pop-owned neighborhood dive is home to some acrobatic dancers and some not-so acrobatic ones. As a bonus, on slow days you can shoot pool with them and listen to them talk trash about each other while they eat their lunch. Or so we hear.
Nudity level: Topless

The Candy Cat One and Two
Chatsworth/Canoga Park
Food: No
Booze: Yes
These laid-back neighborhood joints offer plenty of cheap pitchers of beer, local characters, and, like it or not, an eclectic mix of dance styles on stage.
Nudity level: Topless

Sunny’s Bikini Bar
Chatsworth
Food: No
Booze: Yes
A charmingly family-owned and -operated bikini bar, Sunny’s has the laid-back vibe of a local watering hole with the added bonus of a daily happy hour. Oh, and $10 lap dances.
Nudity level: Bikini Bar

Club Burlesque
North Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: Yes
These aren’t the type of burlesque shows that your Grandpa used to attend, but there will be dancing and the drinks will be cheap, so life these days ain’t so bad after all.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Club 7557
Van Nuys
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes
This local standby may make headlines for all the wrong reasons, but as long as it stays out of the news, the dancers and the lunch specials keep the crowds happy.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Flickr/Bill Chen

West Hollywood/Mid City

The Star Strip Gentleman’s Club
Beverly Grove
Food: No
Booze: No 
Just up the street from the Beverly Center and Cedar Sinai, The Star is one of the more oddly located strip clubs, but just think of it as the “Beyond” section of Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Nudity level: Fully nude

The Body Shop
West Hollywood
Food: No
Booze: No
The first of all nude strip club on the Strip, this iconic joint has likely shown the goods to more celebrities (and anyone else willing to fork over a mere $10 cover) than any other club in town.
Nudity level: Fully nude

4Play Club

Westside

Skin Gentlemen’s Lounge
Palms
Food: No
Booze: No
When traffic on the 10 or 405 looks bad, this slick little joint will likely become infinitely more attractive, and you may even get to see a “star” from the Valley perform.
Nudity level: Fully nude

4Play
West LA
Food: No
Booze: No
There are many reasons that we consider this classy joint to be one of the best strip clubs in the country, but that model-esque dancer inviting you to the VIP room with a bed will likely do a better job convincing you.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Silver Reign Gentlemen’s Club
West LA 
Food: Yes
Booze: No
You’re definitely not here for the food or for a bargain, but if you’re looking for a tiny club that’s open until 4am, you’ve found your place.
Nudity level: Fully nude

Fantasy Island
West LA
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes
This is definitely not the Polynesian-themed restaurant that some may remember from their childhood, but they do have a “lunch special”, bright lights, and, oh yeah, dancing, bikini-clad women.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

Plan B
West LA
Food: Yes
Booze: Yes
Valet parking, a cigar patio, a decent steak, aaaannndd women in bikinis dancing? Uh yeah, you can skip plan A.
Nudity level: Bikini bar

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Danny Jensen is a regular Thrillist contributor who looks forward to sharing this article with his Grandmother, so that she can see where all the birthday money she sent him has gone. Make it rain for him on Instagram and Twitter.

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