“Topless Maids $99.” Whether you were in Burbank, or at the top of the hill, or just at some random intersection, you’ve seen the pink van with that and a phone number written on the side of it. But like, what does “Topless Maid” even mean? Is she just gonna clean my place with no top on? Is she just a stripper in a maid costume? Is she a stripper who’s ALSO gonna clean my place with no top on?
We decided to book one and find out:
Like any self-respecting millennial, I completely disregarded the egregiously named 1-800 number listed on the van (1-800-SO-DIRTY) and visited the slightly less frightful website URL, HotToplessMaids.com. The website requires you to verify your age, which is hilarious because 1) not even YouPorn.com requires age verification, and 2) when has any Internet-savvy minor ever come this far and said, “oh wait, I need to be at least 18? Oh well.”
Once you verify your age you’ll find yourself eye deep in a Top Maids portfolio slideshow. I am pleased to say that they have women of various shapes, sizes, colors, and cellulite. Fifteen minutes later, after I’d compared my body to that of every woman’s on their site (I could have gone another 15 minutes to be honest), I filled out the booking form. A few things you should know: 1) They require a credit card to schedule an appointment BUT you have to pay in cash once the maid gets to your house. 2) Remember those gorgeous pink vans that say $99 for a topless maid? Surprise, surprise, bucket of fries: that’s a lie. Not quite a bold-/red-faced Bill Clinton lie, but still... a lie is a lie is a lie. Is a lie.
See, what the vans or the website fail to mention is that it’s $99 an hour BUT you must book at least two hours. That part I found out when I called to confirm my appointment as the website fine-print instructed. Vinny, over at Topless Maids corporate (yes, there is a Topless Maids corporate), not only filled me in on this little caveat, but also informed me that they were running a $30-off deal “that day only!” That’s right folks, for the bargain basement price of $170, I got to spend two hours with a gorgeous, big-breasted (natural D cup if you can believe it) Ukrainian woman named Nikki for short (Nikitta for long).
I wasn’t sure if my maid would have cleaning supplies, so I had my own ready to go. I also wasn’t sure how awkward I would feel so I had my friend Heidi come over to hang out while she was there. Personally, I couldn’t imagine cleaning someone’s house, let alone cleaning while they are there, let alone cleaning while they are there and I’m topless.
Nikki showed up in T-shirt and jeans with a bag of “stuff.” She asked for a bathroom to change in and within minutes she emerged in her Topless Maids uniform: bare boobs, black and pink panties, a tiny maid apron with a company logo on it, a garter belt, fishnet tights, and black platform ankle boots. Heidi and I took one look at her and we knew the last thing she was equipped to do was clean. Of course I had to ask -- for investigative purposes of course, if my topless maid would, you know, actually be cleaning. She explained that anything beyond dusting and some “light” chores would cost extra and is usually done by another person who would come along with her and bring the appropriate equipment. Which, apparently, isn’t just boobs and cleaning supplies.
The fun part
What the pink van should really say is “topless fun,” since that’s all that went down. After learning that cleaning would not be taking place, Heidi and I were totally confused. Luckily, Nikki was not -- and took charge of the situation. She turned on some tunes, grabbed a hand Swiffer, and started to dance. Before we knew it we were grinding and dusting our way to one of the most Instagram-worthy nights of our lives. She taught us how to dust and dance at the same time (so much harder than it sounds!) -- and how to give lap dances and twerk properly (yes, there is a proper way to maximize ass popping).
After working up a sweat and realizing how out of shape I am, Nikki let us ask her all about what she does. And listen: she LOVES it. And she’s really great at it. According to Nikki, she is able to bring joy into people’s lives in a sexy (not sexual) and playful way.
And did I mention her boobs were real and big and beautiful?
Sign up here for our daily LA email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun Los Angeles has to offer.
Nicole is a comedian living and working in Los Angeles. She is currently looking for someone to clean her apartment and her jokes since both are filthy. She’s on Twitter at @nicoleaimee and Instagram at @nicoleaimee as well.