“Topless Maids $99.” Whether you were in Burbank, or at the top of the hill, or just at some random intersection, you’ve seen the pink van with that and a phone number written on the side of it. But like, what does “Topless Maid” even mean? Is she just gonna clean my place with no top on? Is she just a stripper in a maid costume? Is she a stripper who’s ALSO gonna clean my place with no top on?
We decided to book one and find out:
Like any self-respecting millennial, I completely disregarded the egregiously named 1-800 number listed on the van (1-800-SO-DIRTY) and visited the slightly less frightful website URL, HotToplessMaids.com. The website requires you to verify your age, which is hilarious because 1) not even YouPorn.com requires age verification, and 2) when has any Internet-savvy minor ever come this far and said, “oh wait, I need to be at least 18? Oh well.”
Once you verify your age you’ll find yourself eye deep in a Top Maids portfolio slideshow. I am pleased to say that they have women of various shapes, sizes, colors, and cellulite. Fifteen minutes later, after I’d compared my body to that of every woman’s on their site (I could have gone another 15 minutes to be honest), I filled out the booking form. A few things you should know: 1) They require a credit card to schedule an appointment BUT you have to pay in cash once the maid gets to your house. 2) Remember those gorgeous pink vans that say $99 for a topless maid? Surprise, surprise, bucket of fries: that’s a lie. Not quite a bold-/red-faced Bill Clinton lie, but still... a lie is a lie is a lie. Is a lie.
See, what the vans or the website fail to mention is that it’s $99 an hour BUT you must book at least two hours. That part I found out when I called to confirm my appointment as the website fine-print instructed. Vinny, over at Topless Maids corporate (yes, there is a Topless Maids corporate), not only filled me in on this little caveat, but also informed me that they were running a $30-off deal “that day only!” That’s right folks, for the bargain basement price of $170, I got to spend two hours with a gorgeous, big-breasted (natural D cup if you can believe it) Ukrainian woman named Nikki for short (Nikitta for long).