Why haven't you been to Brennan's Turtle Races yet???

brennan's turtle races

You've likely heard about the Turtle Races every Thursday at Brennan's in Marina Del Rey, and though the somehow-debaucherous crawling amphibians are the stuff of legend, there's still a big chance you've never actually trekked to the Westside to see them for yourself. So we did it for you, and we learned some things: 1) turtles are surprisingly fast, 2) if you're female, it's true, you're not allowed to bend at the knees (we have photo evidence!), and 3) never, ever, EVER point at the turtles.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

Located on Lincoln (right near Washington), Brennan's is an appropriately neon-signed dive bar that's been doing real, live turtle races for 38 years. No joke, their first turtle race was held the same year the Vietnam War ended.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

You have to sign-up in advance if you want to participate, and by "sign-up in advance" we mean 30ish minutes before. Once you're signed up, this guy will yell your name (hopefully the bottom one) and your turtle's name (hopefully the top one).

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

These dudes LOVE TURTLES, but they also love handkerchiefs, which they use to call fouls. Yes, there are fouls.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

Once they call your name, this guy will totally turn to stare at you.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

If you've got a turtle in the race, all you have to do is pick it up...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

... and slowly place it in this holding bin, which constitutes the starting line.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

When placing the turtle in the holding bin, if you're female, they'll foul you if you bend from the knees. Be sure to bend from the hips, like this girl...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dusting Downing

... and this girl...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

... and this girl...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

... and, hopefully, this girl...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

... and, definitely, this girl...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

... and this girl guy.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

The turtles (especially the one wearing the GoPro) are clamoring to get out and "run" to the Finish Line -- a circular, white line at the edge of the arena.

Dustin Downing

Oh yeah, we put a GoPro on one of the turtles. Check it out.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

Photos are okay, but pointing at the turtles is TOTALLY NOT: they say it scares the creatures, but in reality, it's just a cash generator -- they fine you $10 for the first infraction and exponentially more for each subsequent one.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

If they do catch you pointing, the turtles are reset completely, and the race starts again...

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

... which means these guys have a long way to go.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

Wondering what you get if your turtle wins, other than BRAGGING RIGHTS FOR LITERALLY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Well, a ribbon, some sort of random 99-cent store item, and DUDE, BRAGGING RIGHTS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

So, what's up AFTER the races? Duh. Drinking!

Brennan's, Los Angeles
Dustin Downing

There's also a kinda-just-okay cover band. So, MORE DRINKING!