You bring your best friend here (the one with rawhide breath) and let him roam free. A poodle sniffs his butt. Random hikers scratch behind his ears. He terrorizes a squirrel. And it’s THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE.
Women in full-on makeup
You look hot accidentally-on-purpose because, hey, it’s Hollywood. And you never know if you’ll bump into an agent. Or a shirtless, Channing Tatum-looking dude. Or actual shirtless Channing Tatum. It could happen.
Who wears a shirt? Not you! The world needs to see those 12-pack abs. Or that crop of sweaty man-fur that covers your 12-pack stomach.
You herd six hounds at once. That’s a lot of poo to pick up. How do you keep their leashes untangled? More importantly, how do you not get dragged off the cliff? You don't get dragged off the cliff, right??
It may be 90 degrees out, but you’re committed to trekking up that hill in a half-hour of sweaty embrace. Wait... were those cartoon birds flying around you? Ugh.
Badly sunburned people
You’re in sunny LA. There is nary a tree for shade. And you forgot to bathe in SPF 60. This is why you’re the color of a Pink’s hot dog.
Who needs hot yoga in a fancy-pants Beverly Hills space when you can do tree pose amongst real trees? In real heat? For free?
If it looks like that one chick who was the roommate of that other chick on that FX show, it... is.
Tourists (who are probably looking for incognito celebs)
You’ve got your backpack, your tote bag, your purse, your man-purse, your water bottle, and your camera. And you wonder why it took you longer to pack than it did to hike.
Hikers on their phones
We get it. You’re literally SO BUSY that you can’t even squeeze in outdoorsy time without someone needing you like, RIGHT NOW.
Yep: to you, the regular trail is just so... yawn. You must go steeper, rockier, pee-your-pants risky. Please. Don’t. Die.
Runners, joggers, and just regular Los Angelenos working out
You either power up Runyon like a Navy Seal. (We are in awe!) Or, you just want to burn off last night’s Benito's.
It’s the second best way for you to break in that new hip!
People who are actually in jeans, dresses, heels, etc.
It’s no Mount Baldy. But you do realize that you’re hiking on a dirt trail, right?
That guy stocking water and snacks at the Fuller entrance
Thanks, man. I was parched!
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Michelle Spencer has hiked Runyon Canyon so much that she can successfully dodge the dogs who run at top speed in their leash-free euphoria. Catch her at @thermos62000 on Twitter and @rockingirlie on Instagram.