47 Signs You're an LA Douchebag

Look, LA has a reputation, and it's mostly incorrect: there are tons -- TONS -- of great people in LA, people working to make the city work better, and be better, and be nicer, and be more fun, and be overall just even more the best city in the country to live in. This story isn't about any of those people though, it's about the people who give LA that mostly incorrect reputation -- yep, the douchebags, and specifically, 47 signs that you're one of them.

1. You never go east of Lincoln

You do know that there's a big city out there, right?

2. You never go west of La Brea

You do know that there's a big city out there, right?

3. You never go over the hill


4. "I'll have my agent call your agent and we'll find a time for lunch"

5. You merge. Without signaling.


6. You make a left without signaling


7. You do any goddamned thing without signaling

8. You have Kings season tickets, but can't name a single player

(And, no, Wayne Gretzky doesn't count.)

9. You claim to be from LA, but were born and raised in Santa Ana

Or anywhere else in Orange County for that matter.

10. You don't pick up after your dog at the dog park

Seriously, how hard is it to bring a couple plastic bags?

11. You bring your kid to bars

Doesn't matter how old or young your kid is. Unless they're, like, 23. Then, you're cool with us.

12. You complain about the Eastside being overtaken with hipsters...

... while sipping a coldbrew at Intelligentsia/eating a veggie meal at Elf/loading into The Satellite/going for a pedal boat ride in Echo Park Lake.

13. You expect your friends to be excited about your new web series


14. You expect your friends to be excited about your improv show


15. You expect your friends to be excited about your pay-to-play "showcase" at The Whisky


16. You expect your friends to be excited about a national ad...

... in which you have a one-second, non-speaking part.

17. Your band leaves fliers on the shelves at Amoeba

You have heard of the Internet, right? Just checking.

18. You're drinking bottle service... at the Viper Room

Or, kinda, anywhere.

19. You've ever said "Do you know who I am?" and meant it

Unless you're David Spade.

20. You're David Spade


21. You're on the list. Like, definitely on the list.

Please, just check one more time.

22. You're the guy checking the list

Seriously, just check it one more time??

23. You never valet

You've gone around the block six times. Just pay the $5.

24. You only valet


25. You never leave the Sahara Tent

BoatsAndCatsAndBoatsAndCatsAndBoatsAndCats (and ecstasy!)

26. You had no idea LA had a subway

And, no, not the kind that Jared works for.

27. You still water your lawn every day. In the middle of the afternoon.

You actually might be the worst person in all of Los Angeles.

28. You're writing a 10-page email right now. At a green light.

Or reading this at a green light. Or playing Candy Crush at a green light. Or...

29. You've never met a waitress you don't hit on, incessantly

Dude, seriously, let it go. She's not interested -- she's half your age.

30. You only date people half your age

Oh, right.

31. You take selfies. With your iPad. On the beach.

Three for three!!!

32. You're on some weird diet that means we can't go to dinner anywhere

Nope, not there. Yeah, no, not there either. At least everything we have at home is gluten-, sugar-, and carb-free...

33. You ask for a ride to LAX. Or from LAX. Or both.

Okay, at this point, you've at least heard of Uber, right?

34. You're a Lakers fan... unless the Clippers are better. Then you're a Clippers fan.

Also, you bleed Dodger Blue... for a week. In October.

35. You brought a guitar to the party in the Hills

Guess what: you're only gonna help everyone else get laid.

36. You're a Scientologist


37. You own a little tiny Chihuahua

Bonus points if A) it barks incessantly, B) you dress it like a baby, and C) your last name is Kardashian.

38. You're excited about the prospects of Entourage 2 


39. You use the carpool lane, with no one in the passenger seat


40. You took the last spot in the Trader Joe's lot

Okay, we're rethinking this: YOU are the worst person in all of LA.

41. You've got to leave work early for spin class


42. You teach spin class


43. You have to leave work early to teach spin class


44. Your entire day is based around readings from your "crystals"


45. You won't shut up about how much better NYC is

Yeah? You can leave. Oh, you like the weather? SHUT UP THEN.

46. You complain about fog in June

... and how hot it is in November. Ugh.

47. You're texting through the whole hike

Or are you just reading this piece?

Jeff Miller is at least eight of these. Figure out which ones at @jeffmillerla on Instagram or @thrillistla on Twitter.