Everyone hates it, but we're all forced to take it:
non-Flintstone vitamins the 405. It beckons us with promises of easy access to beaches and airports and valleys and Gettys, but then delivers tourists and beach bums and... ugh, no, so many tail lights! It's easy to hate, which is why we're hating -- here's a countdown of the 10 worst people to be stuck next to when you're 101/605/5 adjacent... for, like, eleventy million hours:
10. The studio exec in a Beamer convertible rolling calls
Your flopsweat ain't just because you're bald and it's 90 degrees out; it's also because you're nervous you can't lock down Taylor Lautner for your latest caught-in-a-haunted-cabin-by-a-lake-while-a-Sharknado-is-coming genre thriller. How do we know? Because we can hear you. EVERYONE can hear you. But that's what you want, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!?!
9. The bass-bumping white bro from Tarzana
Yes, dude, we know you like 2 Chainz. We like 2 Chainz, too. He's got a cookbook. But, seriously, Miley Cyrus is more ratchet than you are. Also, you payed $3K extra for your Mazda to sound like the dude with the deep voice who beatboxes in Rockapella. Congrats.
8. The bikini girls heading to Manhattan Beach
Ok, we only hate you because we are not also in your 2009 Jetta with you.
7. Anyone heading towards the "Off the 405" series at the Getty
DUDE. At the most traffic-ridden time of day, you are going to a place most accessible from one of the most trafficked freeways in the world. Is it really that important to add to gridlock to see a Mayer Hawthorne DJ set and look at a garden? Oh, it is? Cool.
6. The tourist who rolls their window down and asks if they're heading in the right direction to get to Venice
A thousand hexes upon your family.
5. The tourist who rolls their window down and asks if they're heading the right direction to LAX
Times those hexes by infinity.
4. Anyone who hasn't gotten a smog check in the last eight years
Yes, that smoke is coming from your exhaust. Yes, I've been behind it for the last 30min/1.35mi. Yes, I am sending you my hospital bills, just as soon as I stop hallucinating Ed Begley, Jr., riding an albino dragon around my windshield.
3. That guy who gets off at the offramp, takes Sepulveda to the next one, gets back on the 405, gets off at the offramp...
We see you. WE SEE YOU. Also, it's not working.
The next time you blast by my window going 65 when the rest of us are stuck here going, like, three, will be the first time I "accidentally" try to get into the next lane over at exactly the same time. Just kidding! I would never hurt you. That's just a fantasy I have EVERY TIME YOU DO THAT.
1. Literally, everyone else on the road at 2p on a Monday
Who are you? Where are you going? Why do you need to be there at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME I DO? Stop it!