LA may be the greatest place to live in the country, but no amount of plastic surgery can make us perfect all the time (actually... could it??). Here are our 99 problems (and the Laker Girls ain't one)...
1. The 405 at 3pm 2. USC fans who didn't go to USC 3. Some USC fans who did go to USC 4. Sign twirlers who are bad dancers 5. Absurdly confusing parking signs 6. Anyone with the last name Kardashian 7. Anyone with the last name Hilton 8. Anyone shooting a reality show in the restaurant you happen to be at 9. Seriously, get those cameras out of my face! 10. Your scalding steering wheel 11. 2am last-calls 12. That one stretch of Fairfax that's one lane all of the sudden 13. Dodgers fans who leave before the SEVENTH inning 14. This goddamn drought 15. Seriously, stop watering your driveways 16. In-N-Out drive-thru lines 17. Everyone at the beach not in a bikini 18. That moment on the beach when you realize there's a ton of sand in your shoes, and how the hell are you going to get it all out?
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19. Chick Hearn no longer being the voice of the Lakers 20. Jerry Buss no longer being the owner of the Lakers 21. Potholes 22. Your friend's webisodes 23. Your friend's improv troupe 24. Your friend's band 25. Your friend's pop-up restaurant 26. Your friend's variety show 27. Ugh, do I actually have to go to a PLAY, too? 28. Valet parking 29. "Silicon Beach" 30. That guy at the bar who's from that thing or junior high. One or the other. 31. Waze telling you to take Wilshire instead of 6th 32. Waze telling you to take Highland instead of Orange 33. Waze telling you that there is no way you should get on the 101 right now 34. Just kidding Waze, we love you, don't go anywhere, please! 35. Actually dangerous Danger Dogs 36. No late-night falafel 37. When there's no water in the LA River 38. When there's too much water in the LA River 39. When there's no Schwarzenegger in the LA River 40. The 405 at 4pm
41. Circling around LAX 42. Circling around LAX again 43. Circling around LAX AGAIN 44. Circling around LAX AGAIN. SERIOUSLY TODD, WHERE ARE YOU? 45. Dating someone geographically undesirable 46. You, yourself being geographically undesirable 47. Brian Wilson being on the Dodgers 48. The Lakers. Just, ugh, the Lakers. 49. A/C bills 50. Not having A/C at all 51. Your favorite restaurant's closing time being 9pm
52. Where the hell can you get a smoked turkey leg that's not at Disneyland? 53. 72-degrees and sunny... again??? 54. The Santa Ana winds 55. Hollywood and Highland on a Saturday 56. Ending up on Skid Row accidentally 57. Ending up on Skid Row on purpose 58. Skid Row 59. Those guys on the Sunset Strip who don't realize that 1984 was 30 years ago 60. Sushi places with a B rating 61. The line at Langer's 62. The line at Pink's 63. "I'm sorry, I don't see you on the list." 64. "I'm on there. Can you just check one more time?" 65. The 405 at 5pm 66. Artisanal ice 67. You can get Umami Burger in NYC now, too 68. When you're sure there's an accident up ahead, but nope, it's just traffic for no reason 69. Haha, 69, dude 70. Waving at tourists on those double-decker red buses... and they don't wave back. Dicks. 71. Red light camera tickets -- do you need to pay those, or not? 72. Parking in the wrong color loading zone after 6pm
73. "I'm gluten-free this week." 74. Having to drive... to the subway 75. The debate over taking Metro with a one-day pass, or tickets for each separate train 76. "Fire season" 77. Missing a high-speed chase 78. "Which San Vicente?" 79. Silverlake or Silver Lake? 80. East of Centinela? Beach day. At the beach? Sweater weather. 81. June gloom 82. People who move to LA and then bitch about people who move to LA. So, kind of just people. 83. Fighting a parking ticket: worthless 84. Knowing that someday, Vin Scully won't be announcing the Dodgers anymore 85. The 405 at 6pm 86. No Uber/Lyft/Sidecar pickups allowed at LAX 87. 24-hour dispensaries? They don't exist. 88. Bikers with no bike lane 89. Movie tickets on weekends? Like, A BILLION DOLLARS. 90. Losing production to Louisiana/Vancouver/etc. because they have better tax benefits 91. "I guess I'm in East Hollywood, or maybe Koreatown, or Los Feliz? I'm really not sure. Just come East." 92. Hollywood Bowl season? Add an hour to your commute. 93. Wait, where did Fountain go? Oh. There it is. 94. That "fast lane" on the freeway? IT'S FOR GOING FAST.
95. There hasn't been a secret Radiohead or Beck show in, like, two years 96. The closest person to being wherever you're going on time is still 30-minutes late 97. "Grand Opening" banners that have been up for three years 98. Your waiter... is busy running lines 99. The 405 at 8am. Or so we've heard.
Thrillist's LA Editor Jeff Miller is a lifelong Angeleno, and gives big ups to his Facebook friends for helping with this list. He's at @jeffmillerla on Instagram and @ThrillistLA on Twitter.