Even in a city where the weather never changes, the arrival of Spring can make you think, "It's March already? I need to stop watching Kato Kaelin sit in my den playing NHL '94 as Dallas, buy a moderately more revealing tank top, and do some other things." And, to help with those other things, we've created a list of 25 of them that you must do, as soon as you finish making Mike Modano's head bleed.
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Have a Three Nakatomi Lunch at Hinoki & the Bird: David Myers's tucked-away resto is gonna do daytime service this Spring, so instead of martinis or Scotch, build a power lunch around their Nakatomi Plaza cocktail, then just wait for the money to start falling from the sky. In the form of bearer bonds.
Launch into Spaceland: Start an impressive run of attending every Spaceland Pier concert with March 30th's ALL BANDS ON DECK!, which brings together Poolside, Yacht, and Baio, named for the actor who certainly has a yacht and a pool. You, the beach, and beer -- that's some Happy Days.
Lose/Retain Self-Control at ink.sack: Make it through all 11 sandwiches, starting with the miso-cured spicy tuna, and ending by starting over again with the miso-cured spicy tuna, because maybe it's the best sandwich, but it pays to be certain. At least try to refrain from all jokes involving “sack”, and the somewhat disturbing domain extension “.sack”.
Install Yourself at Kali Dining: For three weekends starting late March, Kali's getting seriously farm-to-table by hosting a lunch & dinner “installation” on a farm, above some vegetable beds and across from cages holding various birds and and four-legged things. If you've ever wanted duck eggs straight out of the duck, you need to make a reservation.
Dragon Out at LA Beer Fest:Komodo's truck will be there with their six taco/burrito styles and Fest-special Miso-Marinated Steak Skewers, which Chef Erwin Tjahyadi suggests pairing with a pale ale. Once you've done that, he really feels you should pit a Fish n' Grapes taco against a rich stout to contrast the taco's lighter flavors. He says his shoestring truffle fries go well with everything, including this year's entertainment, which involves a hair-metal cover band -- so, technically, he Warrants that his fries go well with everything...
Get Lucky at LA Comedy Shorts Festival (4/4 - 4/7): “Get Lucky!” is actually the theme this very special year, when they'll be presenting their Commie award to Key & Peele and hosting a live performance by The Black Version (it's The Groundlings, except everybody's black, and also it's headed up by Jordan Black). The “Famous People Talking About S&*t!” panel will return, hopefully to talk about how uncomfortable it is for white people to describe The Black Version.
Celebrate the Natural History Museum's Centenary: The year the NHM opened, “First Fridays” were just another night before your Saturday shift at the sausage factory. A century later, they're rad parties where Japanther practices “a studied form of New Wave anarchism” and Dr. Eloise Gaillou discusses why the Japanese missiles fired at Godzilla were made of cadmium. Honor that.
Get a Degree at Petrossian: Ace the inimitably classy restaurant's Caviar 101, 201, and 301 classes, the latter involving their Caviar Martini, flutes of champagne, vodka, or white wine, a tasting of their priciest fish eggs, and a “caviar-centric” seven-course dinner, all hosted by general manager & caviar expert Christopher Klapp, who doesn't answer his phone “You've got the...”, but really, really should. (For reservations, call 310.271.0576, or click the link above.)
Build a Board at Shaper Supply: Building a surfboard involves years of apprenticeship to some dude who calls you “haole” even though he's clearly not Polynesian. Or, it takes a four-hour one-on-one session at this Mar Vista shop, after which you’ll walk out with a board that’s yours to keep and ride.
Feast Under the Stars at Spago: “Hey, Travolta, sit on my face while I eat this meatball!” Okay, that's not exactly how it works. Exactly how it works is that Spago has installed a retractable roof as part of their $4 million remodel, so, rain or shine, you dine. Not that you couldn't dine while dripping wet, but still, this is better.
Run-Think the Great Urban Race: Don't let "Race" intimidate you: even though this nationwide competition -- whose LA leg happens on 4/20 -- encourages hoofing it, they do allow the teams of 2-4 to use public transport with no penalty except continued fatness. However you get around, you'll challenge brains/body/stomach as you solve riddles, track down clues, and devour tons of food on the way to (hopefully) comped airfare to the $10000 Nationals in Puerto Rico. Ten thousand bucks: that's a lot of bus tokens!
Sample Vices at Orange County Food & Wine Festival: On May 4-5, devour veal, lamb & pork from The Meat House while downing glasses of Napa's own Crocker & Starr Malbec. Say, "This is even smoother than Crockett & Tubbs Malbec", until someone acknowledges you by laughing, or by throwing veal, lamb, or pork at you.
TCB at Coachella: Who cares if this guy has a better hat than you? This year, don't let him stand in the way of you getting together with this girl, or any of these other girls.
And... Go to Coachella for $10: The indie-rock cover-band Black Crystal Wolf Kids' annual Coachella tribute show (April 5 at El Cid) recreates the desert fest for a super-fraction of the price, and with much cleaner bathrooms that feature toilets that actually flush. They're planning on featuring surprise special guests who've played the actual fest -- last year that meant members of fun. and Ben Harper's band Relentless 7.
Take Mom to Unique LA's Spring Show: It runs May 11th & 12th (Mother's Day). There are 350 vendors there, which means not only will Mom find something she likes, but you will too, like these awesome wooden six-pack cases from San Francisco's Wood Thumb, whose motto is “Beer, Style, Community”. Or pirate monster dolls from Indy Plush, whose motto is “The farm just got cool. Ee-i ee-i oh!”. Whatever you're into, man -- if the beer-style community doesn't accept you, at least Mom still will.
Impress at Animal: When asked how many BBQ Pork Belly Sliders a man would have to eat to impress him, Jon Shook said 10. Some people believe this is physically impossible, but if you listen to people like that, you probably don't think airplanes or time travel are possible either. Yeah, you heard that right.
Meat Your Match at Sirena: Take some sort of actress to this date spot, ideally someone who played a minor character on Roswell. Order this meat plate knowing she'll pretend to be offended by this meat plate, but actually be impressed on the inside. Then after you climb the resto's impressive, actual tree with shocking spryness, she'll be impressed on the outside.
Like Sushi Ike: Order so much of the off-menu Seared Salmon Right Away that even the people who know about it won't be able to have any. It's called Right Away because they cook it right on the burner for 20sec, then hand it to you on a slab of warm rice with a little wasabi, and you're not allowed to put it down, even for a second. You put it in your mouth and it melts and then the second piece comes and it melts and damn it now you have to order two more.
Thoroughly 'Vette the Petersen Automotive Museum: Through March 31st, they're celebrating 60 years of the American icon with a display of rides from every generation, from whenever 60yrs ago was, to one designed for the 1964 World's Fair, to concept cars. They've also just opened an exhibit called Fins (above), celebrating the years when looks mattered more than performance -- an era graduated from by cars, but not so much the people who drive them.
Rock Beats at The Hudson Block Party: May's bash at the renovated hangout should be... a lot like this, thanks to a new cocktail menu including boozes like the Fighting Cock bourbon, fine sugar & Jerry Thomas decanter bitters "H.O.F.", which, depending on baseball writers, might also include Frank Thomas in 2014.
Sip for the Cycle at Tom Bergin's: After missing St. Pat's for the first time in its storied history last year, Bergin's is back with a 6a-2a March 17th explosion featuring All-Day Irish Breakfast, commemorative "Go Cups", a cup made specifically for Irish Coffee cup courtesy o' Bushmills, and a “Stout Off”: four taps each of Guinness and and O’Hara’s Stout, including Black & Tans, Half & Halfs, Car Bombs and, if you please, Black Velvets.
Just Kind of Sit There Staring at Trip: Tonight, The Dollface Dames launch Triptease: their monthly Wednesday residency at this Santa Monica dive bar. On March 9th, they're also doing a Magicopolis one-off called From Geek to Chic, a burlesque ode to comic book fanboys & girls, which is dangerous, because those people get their boobies through comic books for a reason.
Amaze Yourself at Bar Amá: You might not think you can finish a whole spring goat, but you can, because this grilled-then-roasted/caramelized milk-fed Boer goat is less gamey than other breeds, and after all, it was only the gaminess that prevented you from eating a whole spring goat before, right?
Become More Colorful: On March 16th, hit the Graffiti Run: a they-swear-you-can-be-a-fattie-and-still-do-this 5k where you start dressed in white and get colored-up throughout the day by a washable power -- so, Sean Patrick Flanery in the shower?