98% of the LA girls on Tinder are completely crazy: hordes of them posting their five cleavage-iest pictures with the description, "NOT HERE TO HOOK UP." Which, I guess, makes me crazy-er because I decided to match with ONE HUNDRED of them and ask them where they'd like to go on our first date. Here's what happened:
A whole bunch of the girls didn't even respond
I’ve been told that just deleting the Tinder app doesn’t actually delete your account, so that’s what it’s gotta be, right?
10 girls were actually spam accounts
*Wilder matches with girl who looks like a supermodel*
WILDER: “THIS IS AMAZING THIS IS AMAZING THIS IS AMAZING”
GIRL: “Hey sexy! I’ve got secret pics just for you, xoxoxoxox....”
*Wilder curls into fetal position, cries uncontrollably, falls asleep, wakes up 10hrs later, continues swiping, doesn’t learn his lesson*
One girl said "That Italian place in Pasadena"
Pizza Hut it is!
One girl said "Vegan food!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA VEGAN FOOD HAHAHAHAHAHA.
10 girls told me to decide and said nothing at all
You/are/boring/clap/clap/clapclapclap. Just say anything at all. Even, “That Italian place in Pasadena” is better than “lol up 2 u.” Also if you’re above the age of 0 and you can’t be bothered to type the words “to” and “you”, this isn’t gonna work out.
One girl suggested we bring a flask to Yogurtland
One girl said "Hmm I say a place where there people so I dontvget kidnap"
Which is a tovtallvy gvoovvd pvoinvt.
One girl suggested Paris, and another the moon
Let's be honest: both are still more likely first-date locations than a vegan place.
One girl was a cat
Cool scarf, though.
15 girls had pretty medium suggestions, but hey, at least they were suggestions
I can work with "Do you like Thai food?" a lot better than I can work with "tell me about u."
And eight girls had pretty great suggestions
One girl suggested heading to Mexico to find the best street tamales. And another suggested a strip club and actually used the words, “bonding over booty”. Amazing. MARRY ME (after that first Yogurtland Flask girl and I divorce).