Lifestyle

Louisville's 99 problems

Unless they're at that 3.5 drink sweet spot, nobody thinks Louisville is perfect. We've got our problems, and we're prepared to take them on. Here, in no particular order, are 99 of 'em...

1. Mitch McConnell
2. Mitch McConnell
3. Mitch McConnell
4. We’re known worldwide for KFC
5. People who still drink bourbon with Coke
6. The West End needs more vegetables
7. The West End Walmart
8. Nasty Benedictines
9. Nasty mint juleps
10. We have a beer called “Hipster Repellent”
11. It’s impossible to go out at night without running into two exes, a family member, and your boss
12. The entire city shuts down for a week in early May
13. People who say they want ear X-tacy to return but don’t shop in our seven other independent record stores
14. The majority of East Enders are afraid to come Downtown
15. People who aren’t willing to go to Southern Indiana (unless it’s to go to Feast or NABC)
16. Not enough good bagels
17. There are too many expensive Italian restaurants and not enough simple, affordable versions

18. We have way too many hookah bars
19. We have many more hookah lounges than we have bookstores
20. Drug stores, banks, and Panera have taken over our “cool, independent” area
21. If you move somewhere else, somewhere bigger, you will likely just end up back here eventually
22. Your worth is determined by where you went to high school
23. The waste of potential that is the Lynn’s Paradise Café property
24. What’s happened to Barret Ave’s retail corridor since Lynn’s closed
25. It’s one of the toughest cities for dating
26. Our orchestra went broke for a while there
27. Our museum has been closed for a while now
28. The Zappos outlet store is moving to Nevada
29. Dawne Gee’s health problems
30. Hippies
31. People who still drink PBR
32. Good luck having a fun night out if you don’t drink
33. We get more excited about Slint playing songs from 1991 again than finding new bands
34. People go see their friends open for a national touring band, but only watch their friends play
35. Your friend’s band
36. Concerts everyone goes to without knowing who the band is and don’t watch because they’re too busy socializing
37. Barnstable Brown
38. We treat people like Joey Fatone like huge celebrities at the Derby
39. Larry Birkhead
40. People who comment on Courier­-Journal stories
41. Louder Than Life -- we think the worst of the ‘90s is cutting edge
42. Everyone thinks everything was better in 1994
43. Not nearly enough good hip­-hop
44. Not nearly enough good stand­up comedy

45. Our arena is named “KFC Yum! Center”
46. U of L tuition in proportion to our basketball and football coaches’ salaries
47. U of L parking
48. Having to take out­-of-­town family members to distilleries every time
49. We know more bartenders at farm-­to-­table restaurants than actual farmers
50. Too few places to eat after 10pm
51. Hardly any good take­out or delivery options
52. Marriage inequality
53. Minimum wage inequality
54. Public transportation
55. Bike lanes that just confuse people and take up entire streets
56. Spaghetti Junction
57. “Kentuckiana”
58. People who still say Old Louisville is going to happen
59. Traffic Downtown and endless construction
60. Bridges, in general
61. Developers want to tear down historic structures and build parking lots
62. Not enough affordable parking Downtown
63. Cutesy names like “SoBro", “SoFo”, and “NuLu”
64. We stole the slogan “Keep Louisville Weird” from three weirder, more original cities who used it first
65. We claim the fleur-de-lis as ours, too
66. The Ebola school teacher
67. 4th Street Live -- everything about it
68. Destin, the only beach in the world
69. People getting scared by “The Louisville Purge”
70. People getting scared by “roving gangs of teenagers”
71. The city installing dozens of cameras after something happens once
72. Beecher Terrace
73. Lots of religion
74. We have a megachurch
75. Gun violence
76. Local news organizations telling women to shut up, or shaming them over harmless photos
77. Our best source of local news is an Onion-­esque satirical publication
78. Norton Commons
79. A great leader lost an election because of an attack ad about public art
80. U of L/UK games make neighbors want to kill each other and/or burn each other’s couches
81. We say we want a pro sports team, but not all the many negative and/or expensive aspects of having one
82. We are a heat island, in need of a few million more trees
83. Rubbertown

84. No one knows how to drive in rain
85. No one knows how to drive in even an inch of snow
86. School gets canceled over the threat of possible snow
87. Allergies -- if you didn’t have them before, you will soon
88. It’s one of the most depressed cities in the US
89. The JB Swift plant in Butchertown: its smells and sounds
90. Beargrass Creek’s smells
91. The pear trees that smell like semen in the spring
92. Dixie Dieway
93. Drivers never use their turn signals
94. Driving on Frankfort Ave
95. A serious dearth of free or cheap swimming options in the summer
96. The State Fair
97. The heroin epidemic
98. The fact that horse racing is actually a fairly cruel sport
99. We use lists on the Internet to tell us how to feel about ourselves

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