22 Things You Have to Do Before You’re Officially a Louisvillian
Louisville’s hot right now, and everyone wants a slice. But you’re not officially from Derby City until you’ve done these 22 things. And decided that you don’t love the name “Derby City.”
1. Learn to say it correctly
Dear national news anchors and DJs: it’s LOO-AH-VULL and it’s NOT THAT HARD.
2. Have a favorite bourbon (and a second-, third-, and fourth-string pick)
Hey, not every bar is going to have Double Oaked Woodford Reserve or Angel’s Envy rye. Sad, but true.
3. Hate on Southern Indiana and/or the rest of Kentucky
Although sometimes Lexington can be okay. Just not on game days.
4. Get WAY too into a basketball game, whatever side you’re on
Are the Cats scoring every time your Mom comes into the room? Sorry Mom, stay out. Do the Cards always win when you wear your rattiest hoodie? Sorry guys, but we need this win.
5. Skip the Derby because you “just don’t have time this year!”
Some years, you’re just not feeling it. Too many tourists at your favorite bars! Why did every drink in town suddenly get too expensive? Screw it, just watch it on TV. There’s always Thurby!
6. Get prescription allergy medicine
This town's pollen was probably designed in a lab by some kind of sneeze fetishist.
7. Wait for over an hour at Hammerheads
Those truffle fries, though.
8. Instagram a photo of the Big Four Bridge or the view of Louisville from Southern Indiana
Required caption: “Love my city! #LouisvilleLove #MyLouisville #502”
9. Know someone who works at UPS or Humana
Every time you meet someone who works at either of these companies, ask them if they know your friend and wait for the eye roll.
10. Decry gentrification while shopping in NuLu
“Rich people are the worst!” *Eats chocolate chip cookie from Please & Thank You*
11. Roll your eyes when referring to the East End
“Rich people are the worst!” *Makes reservations at The Village Anchor*
12. Own a little souvenir Louisville Slugger bat and keep it handy for robbers
What? They give them out on field trips.
13. End up at a 4th St Live! bachelor/bachelorette party and barely survive
Why else would anyone go to a place that serves low-quality liquor by the fishbowl and has a mechanical bull with a crab infestation? Woooo, Becky’s getting married!
14. Have a really strong opinion about Lynn’s Paradise Café
Should she sell? Should she re-open? Was the food really as good or as bad as you remember? Were those biscuits really fluffy golden angel wings of bliss? Or was it all a dream?
15. Wear flip-flops and snow boots in the same week
Probably the week of Thunder Over Louisville.
16. Bitch about the Forecastle lineup
“What do you MEAN we only got Sam Smith? Are you serious? At least Modest Mouse will be there...”
17. Get way too involved in choosing a group costume for the Zombie Walk
“No Bob, I get to be zombie Wolverine! I’m taller than you! Are you serious? I’m going to pack up this gallon of fake blood and go home if I have to be zombie Professor X.”
18. Get a sunburn at Waterfront Wednesday
Bonus points if you have Ray-Ban tan lines.
19. Eat deep-fried Derby Pie or Hot Brown on a stick at the Kentucky State Fair
And seriously enjoy people-watching the out-of-towners with their livestock.
20. Seriously consider getting a fleur-de-lis tattoo
“This represents the deep and personal meaning our city has to me and every other hipster in this town.”
21. Get on the wrong highway at Spaghetti Junction and end up in Indiana accidentally
Doesn’t the name “Spaghetti Junction” really say it all?
22. Fiercely rep your city while on vacation, probably in Florida
“Oh, Kentucky is all barefoot hillbillies and fried chi-” “HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SEEN LOUISVILLE? COME AT ME, BRO!”
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