When most people think about Hialeah, they... um, laugh. Then they think about Spanglish-inspired business names, excessive car honking, people selling groceries in the parking lot, and sweet mom-and-pop eat spots. And they might be right, but what they don’t know is there are certain things only people raised in the Floridian Havana will understand about Hialeah. Here are just a few… the icing on the bocadito, if you will.
1. Don't you ever dare confuse East Hialeah with West Hialeah
That’s like confusing a Blood for a Crip, or Chicken Kitchen for Chicken Grill.
2. Driving through West 49th St is NEVER a good idea
It doesn’t matter how bad you need that batido from El Palacio De Los Jugos.
3. Never get in your car between the hours of 4-6pm
If Hell had a freeway, it would still move faster than the Palmetto. And have better drivers.
4. Red Road? Yeah... it's never getting fixed.
Not that anyone’s in much of a hurry around here, but Hurricane Andrew was, ya know, TWENTY-THREE YEARS AGO.
5. You only get your drivers license at the Opa Locka DMV
Because taking your test in Hialeah traffic would be kinda like taking the SATs at Space.
6. Our street grid makes perfect sense
It’s the rest of the county’s that’s messed up.
7. We take a little too much pride in our high schools
How else can you explain why anyone who went to Barbara Goleman would cheer for that football team.
8. Our high school baseball teams could probably beat the Marlins
Hialeah High School's baseball team once commissioned Pitbull for its theme song, then proceeded to run a “we’re the s*it” campaign. #FUEGO.
9. Stop trying to make Westfield Mall happen
It will forever be WestLAND. Just like Macy’s will forever be Burdines.
10. If you see a shopping cart on the side of the road, you are in the wrong neighborhood
Back. Away. Slooooooooowly.
11. Your neighbor breeds dogs
And by “dogs” we mean “pitbulls.” And don’t tell us they’re illegal in Dade County, so are 90% of the things we do while driving, and that hasn’t stopped anyone.
12. Customer service does not exist and is not expected.
If you want a smile and warm food then eat at your Abuela’s. If you want your food served cold by a waitress in a three-sizes-too-small polo, however, we have not one but THREE Rey’s Pizzas.
13. Getting flowers from your boyfriend doesn’t mean you’re special
It means there was a guy selling them for $5 at the last red light he hit on the way to your house. And that he probably cheated on you.
14. You never go to a doctor in Hialeah
The case of Vicks VapoRub in your medicine cabinet is infinitely more reliable.
15. A trip to Sedano’s is the best thing for your ego
You’ll walk out with at least 10 marriage proposals AND an ice-cold Fanta.
16. We like big butts
Check that: we like big NATURAL butts. Don’t come around Hialeah with those implants, there, “Mami.”
17. Cargo shorts, mandals & button-down shirts are completely acceptable gym attire
And are actually the required dress code at Porky’s.
18. Intersection “hollas” are our version of Tinder
But sadly, swiping left won’t make the guys who do them go away.
19. Why yes, I DO sell Avon
We will never tell you, but we will keep a catalog for you in our guest bathroom. It’s only “good manners.”
20. You NEVER leave the house to get your hair cut, nails done, or teeth cleaned
Because all those people make house calls. And work for cash. And their contact info is guarded with more secrecy than the codes to the nuclear football.
21. Guys have one haircut, and it is the classic fade
Show up with a man bun and see how fast you’re kicked out of your house, que Dios te ampare.
22. Miami Lakes needs to get over itself
You act like a bridge actually separates Miami Lakes from our city… pero like, no. You just have nicer shopping plazas, pay more taxes, and have cows in place of ducks.
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