The 99 problems with Miami
If you watch TV or listen to, like, every rapper in history, you’d think Miami was nothing but strip clubs, pool parties, and other stuff to love. But if Miami’s so great, why are you getting weekly Facebook invites to events called "MY LAST NIGHT IN MIAMI”?? The truth is we've got a few problems... but we’re only gonna tell you 99. Feel free to add on in the comments.
1. The mysterious event that apparently left every taxi cab credit card machine inoperative
2. … and every turn signal
3. Alligators like to share your pool
4. Punctuality hasn't become a "thing"
5. Only meeting one person per week who can coherently explain what they do
6. Homeless people in Fendi loafers
7. Anyone who is, was, or plans to be a “promoter”
8. Any girl who’s ever said “I know all the promoters”
9. Driving and talking on the phone? Totally legal.
10. We’ve got, like, one smoke-free bar
11. Anyone who’s ever called in to Power 96
12. Our highest point of elevation is a freeway on-ramp
13. A few people might not speak English
14. Going to the beach and dealing with these people
15. Your insurance payment > your car payment
16. ... because you’re the only sucker who has insurance
17. People who say Wynwood is “like our Brooklyn”
18. The girl giving you a lap dance is getting her real estate certification
19. That $285 surprise from FPL
20. The 826/836 interchange
21. Girls who ask about your citizenship status. On the first date.
22. US-1. Like all of it. Even in the part in Maine. F*** that road.
23. Cops running over people on ATVs
24. People whose word is worth less than their watch
25. Immigrants who don’t know how to drive
26. Americans who don’t know how to drive
27. People with ambiguous immigration status who don’t know how to drive
28. Girls nicknamed Caro. Because every conversation ends up with "Which Caro?"
29. “Live music” generally involves a USB stick
30. Memorial Day Weekend? Not a happy time.
31. Waiters doing you a favor by refilling your Diet Coke
32. Gator fans
33. Britto. Everywhere.
34. The ladies of Ultra are only here once a year
35. We impound Lyft cars
36. The 4pm thunderstorm that hits when you parked 400 yards from the gym
37. Committing multiple felonies INCREASES your chance of holding public office
38. David Samson
39. The guy selling you your cell phone has a nicer car than you
40. New Yorkers insisting things are better because “of the water”
41. You can't afford to "date" that hot girl at the pool party
42. Everyone's always "just eating s**t"?
43. Abuelitas who don’t understand the concept of a debit card reader
44. The Miami accent
45. No parking garages South of 5th
46. The Hialeah Street grid
47. "I’m five minutes away” means “I just left my house”
49. Towing companies who use your car as their own personal Best Buy
50. ... and STILL have a contract with the city
51. ESPN always saying they're in South Beach when they're in Miami Gardens or Little Havana... or somewhere not even remotely close to South Beach.
52. The Metrorail doesn’t go to the Beach. But you know where it DOES go? Santa Clara.
53. Chongas. Actually, everyone at Dolphin Mall.
54. Your neighbor thinks partying at 3am on a Tuesday "is fine"
55. The mad rush to Home Depot and Publix when there’s a rainy day off Africa
56. Channel 7
57. EVERYONE’S a model... and by "model" we mean "works at Big Pink"
58. You have to go to Broward to get a donut not called "Krispy" or "Dunkin'"
59. Paying $10 for a bottle of water. Anywhere.
60. Automatic gratuities
61. Visitors who expect you to have “the hookup” in South Beach. Even though you live in West Kendall
62. West Kendall
63. 2.8 million people. One bike lane.
64. People who show up an hour late. Then ask “what’s your hurry?”
65. They might actually build this
66. “Miami” TV shows filmed in LA. When did South Beach get a ferris wheel?
67. Bottle service
68. People starting “Lets go Yankees” chants at Marlins-Diamondbacks games
69. 305 tattoos
70. 786 tattoos
71. The unreasonably cold temperature they keep at DCJ
72. Heat traffic. Oops... nevermind
73. People assume you speak Spanish. Even if you look like Drew Carey.
74. The Coconut Grove Metrorail stop was basically designed for Coconut Grove muggers
75. They're building another condo? Seriously?!
76. EDM. Everywhere.
77. It will occasionally flood
78. "Bro" at the end of every sentence. And the beginning.
79. Guys who still have their mom do their laundry
80. Companies that pay like every guy still lives at home and has his mom doing his laundry
81. You’re never seeing your security deposit again
82. People who think they can pull off Speedos
83. People you haven't seen since ninth grade want to “crash” during Ultra
84. Your actual friends who come to town and decide Tuesday’s a great night to rage
85. Going to work that Wednesday
86. The Palmetto
87. The HOT lanes that are closed half the time
88. Going to a game where half the stadium’s rooting for the other team
89. Time off from the gym? HA!
90. Having to pick between El Mago and El Rey
91. “Irregardless” is a perfectly acceptable word
92. 786 numbers
93. Fake Spanish accents. Dude, you’re from SYRACUSE. Don’t roll your r’s when you order a churro.
94. Friends who flake four times out of five
95. You finally find a friend who’s dependable... and then they immediately move
96. The Flamingo
97. People who live in the Beach... and never leave the Beach
98. Career. Family. Miami. Pick one.
99. People with no sense of sarcasm or irony
Sign up here for our daily Miami email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.