If you watch TV or listen to, like, every rapper in history, you’d think Miami was nothing but strip clubs, pool parties, and other stuff to love. But if Miami’s so great, why are you getting weekly Facebook invites to events called "MY LAST NIGHT IN MIAMI”?? The truth is we've got a few problems... but we’re only gonna tell you 99. Feel free to add on in the comments.
1. The mysterious event that apparently left every taxi cab credit card machine inoperative 2. … and every turn signal 3. Alligators like to share your pool 4. Punctuality hasn't become a "thing" 5. Only meeting one person per week who can coherently explain what they do 6. Homeless people in Fendi loafers 7. Anyone who is, was, or plans to be a “promoter” 8. Any girl who’s ever said “I know all the promoters” 9. Driving and talking on the phone? Totally legal. 10. We’ve got, like, one smoke-free bar 11. Anyone who’s ever called in to Power 96 12. Our highest point of elevation is a freeway on-ramp 13. A few people might not speak English
Model, Influencer & Entrepreneur Lindsey Pelas Reveals Celebrity Pick Up Stories
14. Going to the beach and dealing with these people 15. Your insurance payment > your car payment 16. ... because you’re the only sucker who has insurance 17. People who say Wynwood is “like our Brooklyn” 18. The girl giving you a lap dance is getting her real estate certification 19. That $285 surprise from FPL 20. The 826/836 interchange 21. Girls who ask about your citizenship status. On the first date. 22. US-1. Like all of it. Even in the part in Maine. F*** that road. 23. Cops running over people on ATVs 24. People whose word is worth less than their watch 25. Immigrants who don’t know how to drive 26. Americans who don’t know how to drive 27. People with ambiguous immigration status who don’t know how to drive 28. Girls nicknamed Caro. Because every conversation ends up with "Which Caro?" 29. “Live music” generally involves a USB stick 30. Memorial Day Weekend? Not a happy time. 31. Waiters doing you a favor by refilling your Diet Coke 32. Gator fans 33. Britto. Everywhere.
34.The ladies of Ultra are only here once a year 35. We impound Lyft cars 36. The 4pm thunderstorm that hits when you parked 400 yards from the gym 37. Committing multiple felonies INCREASES your chance of holding public office 38. David Samson 39. The guy selling you your cell phone has a nicer car than you 40. New Yorkers insisting things are better because “of the water” 41. You can't afford to "date" that hot girl at the pool party 42. Everyone's always "just eating s**t"? 43. Abuelitas who don’t understand the concept of a debit card reader 44. The Miami accent 45. No parking garages South of 5th 46. The Hialeah Street grid 47. "I’m five minutes away” means “I just left my house” 48. Shones 49. Towing companies who use your car as their own personal Best Buy 50. ... and STILL have a contract with the city 51. ESPN always saying they're in South Beach when they're in Miami Gardens or Little Havana... or somewhere not even remotely close to South Beach.
52. The Metrorail doesn’t go to the Beach. But you know where it DOES go? Santa Clara. 53. Chongas. Actually, everyone at Dolphin Mall. 54. Your neighbor thinks partying at 3am on a Tuesday "is fine" 55. The mad rush to Home Depot and Publix when there’s a rainy day off Africa 56. Channel 7 57. EVERYONE’S a model... and by "model" we mean "works at Big Pink" 58.You have to go to Broward to get a donut not called "Krispy" or "Dunkin'" 59. Paying $10 for a bottle of water. Anywhere. 60. Automatic gratuities 61. Visitors who expect you to have “the hookup” in South Beach. Even though you live in West Kendall 62. West Kendall
63. 2.8 million people. One bike lane. 64. People who show up an hour late. Then ask “what’s your hurry?” 65. They might actually build this 66. “Miami” TV shows filmed in LA. When did South Beach get a ferris wheel? 67. Bottle service 68. People starting “Lets go Yankees” chants at Marlins-Diamondbacks games 69. 305 tattoos 70. 786 tattoos 71. The unreasonably cold temperature they keep at DCJ 72. Heat traffic. Oops... nevermind 73. People assume you speak Spanish. Even if you look like Drew Carey. 74. The Coconut Grove Metrorail stop was basically designed for Coconut Grove muggers 75. They're building another condo? Seriously?! 76. EDM. Everywhere.
77. It will occasionally flood 78. "Bro" at the end of every sentence. And the beginning. 79. Guys who still have their mom do their laundry 80. Companies that pay like every guy still lives at home and has his mom doing his laundry 81. You’re never seeing your security deposit again 82. People who think they can pull off Speedos 83. People you haven't seen since ninth grade want to “crash” during Ultra 84. Your actual friends who come to town and decide Tuesday’s a great night to rage 85. Going to work that Wednesday 86. The Palmetto 87. The HOT lanes that are closed half the time 88. Going to a game where half the stadium’s rooting for the other team 89. Time off from the gym? HA! 90. Having to pick between El Mago and El Rey 91. “Irregardless” is a perfectly acceptable word 92. 786 numbers 93. Fake Spanish accents. Dude, you’re from SYRACUSE. Don’t roll your r’s when you order a churro. 94. Friends who flake four times out of five 95. You finally find a friend who’s dependable... and then they immediately move 96. The Flamingo 97. People who live in the Beach... and never leave the Beach 98. Career. Family. Miami. Pick one. 99. People with no sense of sarcasm or irony
Sign up here for our daily Miami email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.