The Florida Gators have grudgingly agreed to come to Miami on Saturday and play a non-conference game against a team that people have actually heard of, which means not only will that guy from your office with the UF fight song as his ringtone be especially annoying this week, but now you’ll have to deal with a whole city of him. And since trying to reason with a Gator fan is like trying to explain physics to a... uh, well, a Gator fan, here’s our guide to the 10 worst you’ll find, and how to make their heads explode.
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1. Completely Unknowledgeable Undergrad Female Super Fan Please control your hands-on-cheek, super-serious breath-holding face before big plays, and stop openly crying every time the refs call a false start penalty. That face tattoo is gonna run all over your tank top. How to mess with her: Ask her to name five players on defense, or explain what a false-start penalty is.
2. Vicarious SEC Winning Fan “A&M’s beating Sam Houston State!! S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!” Like if they yell loud enough somehow the South will rise again. How to mess with him: Ask him to explain the transitive property by which Auburn beating Washington State makes the Gators #11, when beating WSU barely makes you #11 in the Pac 12.
3. UF Should Be In The Ivy League Fan Being the best public school in Florida is kinda like being the smartest kid to get detention for eating paste. That whopping 54th place in US News & World Report puts you 37 spots behind Vandy, and nine ahead of academic-powerhouse Georgia. How to mess with him: Tell him UF was your safety school.
4. Gator Frat Star Fan His tailgates aren’t so much about football as they are an excuse for him and his boys to take their shirts off. Sorry, but using steroids doesn’t make you a football player, bro. How to mess with him: Hand him a plastic surgery brochure touting calf implants, pat him on the back, and say, “Just looking out for you, pal.”
5. Tebow Jersey Fan The only item in his wardrobe not purchased from Walmart is that $375 commemorative number he bought back in '08. He’ll be wearing it well into 2030. How to mess with him: Ask if he’s gonna be getting one for the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
6. Overly Knowledgeable Female Fan Just because you were “friends” with half the team during your glory years does not make knowing the yards per carry of your backup fullback any less weird. It’s like a guy knowing about Prada bags. How to mess with her: Answer everything she says with “Whatever. You’re a girl. You don’t know football.”
7. Racist Gator Fan Who Hates Miami According to him, Miami is a cesspool full of filth, crime, and Mexicans, a position based entirely on that one time in 1998 he drove through on his way to a NASCAR event. How to mess with him: Mid-rant, tilt your head, blink your eyes and say, “Ehhhhh……Espanish?”
8. Jorts-Wearing Redneck Fan UM actually has jorts wearers too, though they typically come from Europe and have their countries’ Prime Ministers on speed dial. UF’s come from towns that don’t appear on maps. How to mess with him: Ask if he’s ever tried dipping, chewing, AND smoking at the same time.
9. Faux-Former Gator Player-Turned-Fan Girls state-wide will tell you: Every black dude in the state of Florida played for UF at some point. Funny, since 10yrs ago they all played for UM. How to mess with him: Pull up a media guide from the years he “played” on your phone and listen to the excuses.
10. Ryan Lochte The best cautionary tale to anyone who wants to stay in Gainesville after graduation is a guy who’s the second best in the world at something and can’t parlay it into much more than a show on E! How to mess with him: Keep asking about Michael Phelps.