Hey ESPN, the empty orange seats at Dolphins games don't mean Miami is a “bad sports town”. It just means that, unlike wherever you live, football season is also pool party season in South Florida, and we'd rather spend our Sundays with girls in bikinis than with Richie Incognito. So, if you ever make it down, here’re the top five places that'll make you shut your mouth forever... none of which, you'll notice, are Sun Life Stadium.
Power-ranking Miami's best pool parties
5. Highbar at Dream South Beach
When to hit it: Sundays, 12-7pm
Spraying Champagne from a rubber raft is usually reserved for... uh, America’s Cup winners(?), but you can apparently do it too at the only rooftop party on this list, where passion fruit mojitos and views over Ocean Dr are the order of the day.
When to hit it: All day, every day. But especially on the weekends.
Unlike actual Clevelanders -- who have been known to uppercut you -– The Clevelander Hotel actually UNDERcuts other pool parties in SoBe by charging a reasonable sub-$10 for a beer, which makes for an open relaxed scene where you might see Italians who just valeted their Bugatti next to, well, people from Cleveland.
3. Privileged Sundays at The Delano
When to hit it: Sundays, 11am - sundown
Just hanging at this classic art-deco overnighter is a privilege, but hanging poolside and scarfing fresh BBQ or getting a massage is a Privileged-only kind of experience.
2. XIV Sessions at Hyde Beach at the SLS
When to hit it: One Sunday a month. Find out which one here.
You ever hear about that comedian named Gallagher who used to sledgehammer watermelons and the entire audience got totally wet and covered in smashed fruit juice? This is just like that except the audience gets smashed OFF fruit juice that’s been sitting in a Champagne bottle for a few years, then gets totally wet when girls with giant melons spray it on them.
1. Shore Thing at The Shore Club
When to hit it: Sundays, 1pm - sundown
There are layers of the Earth that probably have a lower concentration of silicone than you’ll find by the pool Sundays at The Shore Club, which is probably why people flock here every weekend to pop bottles next to Miami’s bottle-popping-est DJ, Irie. Though the unlimited mimosas for ladies who brunch at Terrazza poolside probably don't hurt either.
Sublime at W Ft. Lauderdale
Like everything else in Broward, they take the best parts about a Miami party, dial it down a notch, and make it fun for people who don’t need an EDM soundtrack to their lives. This one’s closed for football season, but watch for it Sundays in the Spring.
Rx Pool Parties
God we miss them. Booted from the Perry during construction and no longer regularly running at the Shelborne, stay tuned to see where these guys pop up next once “season” rolls around. We promise it won’t suck.
1. Delano South Beach1685 Collins Ave, Miami Beach
2. Dream South Beach Hotel1111 Collins Ave, Miami Beach
3. The Clevelander1020 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach
4. W Fort Lauderdale401 N Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd, Fort Lauderdale
5. Hyde South Beach1701 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach
6. Terrazza at the Shore Club1901 Collins Ave, Miami Beach
If next-level luxury is what you crave, The Delano's got you covered. Check-in for ocean-facing views, spa amenities, beach club access, and rooms featuring rainfall showers and iPads (actually) for you to play with.
Situated just 50yd from the beach, Dream South Beach offers a sunny escape for travelers on both business and vacation. For a taste of the local nightlife, head to one of the many clubs nearby, or just walk upstairs to the rooftop pool lounge.
This football mega-center has more than 40 HDs, and Rockstar Rewards specials like 50-cent wings, 2-for-$7 Jager shots, $12 pitchers, and $5 SoCo shots.
By day, infinity-edge pools, award-winning restaurants, and water views from every room await you at W Fort Lauderdale. By night, guzzle a signature cocktail at either of their clubs, Whiskey Blue or the Living Room.
Oh, you thought you knew all there was to know about SLS? Well now you need to learn yourself on Hyde, the LA superlounge whose infinitely more low-key Miami version basically looks like a swank rec/sun room complete with cushy orange couches, hula girl lamps, a tile-lined patio and pool, plus a foosball table whose players are princesses and punk rockers.