Hey ESPN, the empty orange seats at Dolphins games don't mean Miami is a “bad sports town”. It just means that, unlike wherever you live, football season is also pool party season in South Florida, and we'd rather spend our Sundays with girls in bikinis than with Richie Incognito. So, if you ever make it down, here’re the top five places that'll make you shut your mouth forever... none of which, you'll notice, are Sun Life Stadium.

5. Highbar at Dream South Beach

When to hit it: Sundays, 12-7pm
Spraying Champagne from a rubber raft is usually reserved for... uh, America’s Cup winners(?), but you can apparently do it too at the only rooftop party on this list, where passion fruit mojitos and views over Ocean Dr are the order of the day.

4. The Clevelander

When to hit it: All day, every day. But especially on the weekends.
Unlike actual Clevelanders -- who have been known to uppercut you -– The Clevelander Hotel actually UNDERcuts other pool parties in SoBe by charging a reasonable sub-$10 for a beer, which makes for an open relaxed scene where you might see Italians who just valeted their Bugatti next to, well, people from Cleveland.

3. Privileged Sundays at The Delano

When to hit it: Sundays, 11am - sundown
Just hanging at this classic art-deco overnighter is a privilege, but hanging poolside and scarfing fresh BBQ or getting a massage is a Privileged-only kind of experience.


2. XIV Sessions at Hyde Beach at the SLS

When to hit it: One Sunday a month. Find out which one here.
You ever hear about that comedian named Gallagher who used to sledgehammer watermelons and the entire audience got totally wet and covered in smashed fruit juice? This is just like that except the audience gets smashed OFF fruit juice that’s been sitting in a Champagne bottle for a few years, then gets totally wet when girls with giant melons spray it on them.

1. Shore Thing at The Shore Club

When to hit it: Sundays, 1pm - sundown
There are layers of the Earth that probably have a lower concentration of silicone than you’ll find by the pool Sundays at The Shore Club, which is probably why people flock here every weekend to pop bottles next to Miami’s bottle-popping-est DJ, Irie. Though the unlimited mimosas for ladies who brunch at Terrazza poolside probably don't hurt either.

Honorable Mentions:

Sublime at W Ft. Lauderdale

Like everything else in Broward, they take the best parts about a Miami party, dial it down a notch, and make it fun for people who don’t need an EDM soundtrack to their lives. This one’s closed for football season, but watch for it Sundays in the Spring.

Rx Pool Parties

God we miss them. Booted from the Perry during construction and no longer regularly running at the Shelborne, stay tuned to see where these guys pop up next once “season” rolls around. We promise it won’t suck.

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1. Delano South Beach 1685 Collins Ave, Miami Beach, FL 33139 (South Beach)

If next-level luxury is what you crave, The Delano's got you covered. Check-in for ocean-facing views, spa amenities, beach club access, and rooms featuring rainfall showers and iPads (actually) for you to play with.

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2. Dream South Beach Hotel 1111 Collins Ave, Miami Beach, FL 33139 (South Beach)

Situated just 50yd from the beach, Dream South Beach offers a sunny escape for travelers on both business and vacation. For a taste of the local nightlife, head to one of the many clubs nearby, or just walk upstairs to the rooftop pool lounge.

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3. The Clevelander 1020 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach, FL 33139 (South Beach)

Miami is notorious for housing debaucherous Spring Breaks, which isn’t fair because a lot of places in Miami don’t reflect that parties-gone-wild mentality you’re picturing right now… but a lot of them do. The Clevelander is one of those places that does: it’s reminiscent of everything you think of when anyone utters the words “Spring Break,” mostly because it’s one of the founding fathers of those ubiquitous, raging parties on South Beach. The art-deco hotel’s three poolside bars serve tropical frozen drinks and plenty of American bar favorites (burgers, pizzas, salads, snacks), and the weekday happy hours and weekend brunches are the perfect excuse to see-and-be-seen on one of the busiest patios on South Beach.

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4. W Fort Lauderdale 401 N Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33304 (Fort Lauderdale)

By day, infinity-edge pools, award-winning restaurants, and water views from every room await you at W Fort Lauderdale. By night, guzzle a signature cocktail at either of their clubs, Whiskey Blue or the Living Room.

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5. Hyde South Beach 1701 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach, FL 33139 (South Beach)

Oh, you thought you knew all there was to know about SLS? Well now you need to learn yourself on Hyde, the LA superlounge whose infinitely more low-key Miami version basically looks like a swank rec/sun room complete with cushy orange couches, hula girl lamps, a tile-lined patio and pool, plus a foosball table whose players are princesses and punk rockers.

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6. Terrazza at the Shore Club 1901 Collins Ave, Miami Beach, FL 33139 (Miami Beach)

Terrazza at Shore Club offers breakfast, lunch, and dinner in both indoor and outdoor spaces that overlook the club’s infamous pool. The Italian menu is comprised of handmade brick oven pizzas, homemade pastas, fresh salads, and wood-fired, dry-aged steaks and chops. Opt for the Bufalina pizza with San Marzano tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella, grated Parmesan, and basil, or the branzino with sautéed kale, cannellini beans, bacon, garlic, and salsa verde.