20 Reasons Why Florida Is Better Than California

Oooooh... feel that, rest of the country? That’s called winter. And there’s pretty much no escaping it until April, unless you plan a vacation somewhere warm. If you don’t want to cross an ocean that generally means going one of two places: California or Florida. And while we might be the butt of a lot of jokes here in the Sunshine State, we’re still not nearly as bad as that big giant state out West. Here’re 20 reasons why.

1. Our bar closing times are designed for people under 60

When you have to justify your nightlife by saying, “it’s all about finding the after-party,” you’re basically Tuscaloosa with pricier drinks.

2. It’s actually warm all year round

The average high in Los Angeles in December is 68 degrees, with lows in the 40s. Unless Bieber's in town, 40 degrees in Miami leads the 11 o’clock news.

Clearwater Beach

3. Our water is nicer

Unless your idea of a fun Sunday afternoon is taking a dip in bone-chilling industrial sludge.

4. You can afford our “Bay Area”

$1,500 a month in St. Petersburg gets you a two bedroom apartment Downtown with a panoramic view of Tampa Bay. In San Francisco it gets you a spot on somebody’s couch in the Tenderloin.

5. Football starts at a decent hour

Ain’t nobody waking up at 10am to watch the Raiders vs. the Jets.

In n Out Burger
WIKIMEDIA/Christian Razukas from Honolulu, Hawaii, USA

6. Publix subs > In-N-Out Burger

You’re a step above McDonald’s. Congratulations.

7. No state income tax

Kobe wouldn’t be eating up the Lakers’ entire salary cap if he didn’t have to hand 13% of that money over to the state.

8. Our drinking water is better

Florida has a seemingly endless supply of fresh drinking water thanks to our complex system of underground aquifers. California gets 50% of its water supply from an illegally hooked-up garden hose in Arizona.

9. Our high-speed chases are cooler

In Florida, high-speed chases involve off duty cops going 120mph on the Turnpike. In California, they generally involve a guy with outstanding parking tickets who did a little too much meth. Or OJ.

Supermarket Strike California

10. Our supermarkets don’t have picket lines

In Florida,  “Supermarket Strike” is just the name of a Marlins-themed scratch-off ticket.

11. The whole state is coastline

The West Coast of Florida has some of the best beaches in the world. The East Coast of California has… Reno.

12. You don’t have Cracker Barrel

You’re not finding a 200-piece bag of Charleston Chews in the front of an In-N-Out Burger. Just sayin’.

13. Predictable natural disasters

Sure, a hurricane warnings may cause widespread panic, endless lines at Publix, and a run on gas for what ends up to be a rainy day, but they still beat a fault line randomly opening up under your house.


14. Our governor has a cooler nickname

Arnold would have won this for you back in the day. But now? Sorry. “Skeletor” is way more bad-ass than "Governor Moonbeam”

15. Our in-state rivalries don’t turn violent

Ever seen a NoFla tattoo or a stabbing at Rays vs. Marlins game?

16. You don’t have islands

Okay, you’ve got one, Catalina, which you can only get to by boat or a really expensive airplane ride. And Alcatraz. Key Biscayne is accessible on foot. By the homeless.

17. We don’t have car emission checks

So we can keep that ‘78 LeBaron spewing exhaust at eight miles a gallon until there’re no more parts left in junkyard. Yet somehow…

LA air pollution

18. The air is cleaner

Usually when a local government tells people not to go outside, it’s because rioters, hurricane-force winds, or invading space aliens that might kill you. Not THE AIR.

19. Florida traffic is avoidable

Our traffic patterns can be figured out by a highly functional baboon. In California you could have a PhD from CalTech and still get stuck on the 405 at 3am.

20. Hank Hill hates you

You are the Kahn Souphanousinphone of states.

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