Trying to explain how traffic on the Palmetto Expressway -- the main reason one national study called Miami America's most road rage-y city -- can be so bad is kinda like trying to explain the plot of Game of Thrones: There’s just too much going on for it to make sense to anybody. But while we don’t know exactly who to blame at HBO for Thrones' convoluted plot lines, we do know the 10 people on the Palmetto who make you wish you were Ned Stark, or Catelyn, or Robb, or...*
1. The Fruit Truck Driver
Upside: If traffic ever gets too bad, you know you’ll never go hungry. Downside: The constant fear that you might get impaled by a flying plantain.
2. The Lost Tourist
Apparently that big sign at the airport that says “836 East” was just a little too confusing. You and your poorly folded Hertz map are just begging to get lost in Opa-locka and wind up being the reason they issue another international travel warning against Miami.
3. The Abuelita
The only thing she hates more than Fidel is driving the speed limit.
4. The Guy in the Two-Tone Toyota Headed to North Miami
Kudos to you, sir, for keeping a car from 1982 purring like it’s brand new. Seriously, who knew the ‘82 Corolla’s top speed was 38, and that it didn’t have turn signals?!
5. The Guys Racing Each Other from Kendall to Hialeah
It's great you guys live at home and can spend what should be your rent money tricking out your leased Accord, but you really should save it for Saturday nights on Krome Ave where you might actually impress someone... but probably not.
6. The Pinecrest Soccer Mom
Maybe if she didn’t have all those stickers (her kid made the honor roll at Palmetto Elementary in the 2nd AND 3rd grade! Yay, he's a "Summer Reading Superstar". Her other "kids" have paws, etc.) filling up the rear window of her X5, she might be able to see all the cars lining up behind her while she texts to set up a play date.
7. Anyone with a Quebec License Plate
Quebec, actually, is a French-Canadian word meaning, “Stay 15ft away from this vehicle at all times.”
8. The Guy Who Can’t Get Back to Broward Fast Enough
What, you think you’re better than Miamians just because you have car insurance? That’s no excuse to cut in and out of every lane so you can maintain 80. The Turnpike may be a better route back to Weston next time, dude.
9. The Truck That Will Invariably Flip Over
Anytime there’s an unsecured open cargo truck carrying the entire footwear selection of “Nooo, Que Barato!”, you can pretty much guarantee the contents will be flying at your head within 10mins.
10. The Mayor
Ok, so technically Hialeah mayor Raul Martinez only stopped traffic to brawl with someone once. But this is Hialeah we're talking about... it's bound to happen again any day now.
*SPOILER ALERT: They're all dead!