Sure, Miami's endless pool parties, sneakers stores literally staffed by models, and pretty much any event featuring the Dolphin Cheerleaders have a lot going for them, but the best way to enjoy South Florida's natural, and... um, unnatural beauty is in the area's finer gentlemen's establishments, which we've tirelessly scoured just so you'll know where to go for some great pizza, a chance to see a rapper, and, if you're lucky, get a really great value. And yes, by "value" we mean get lucky.
Best Club to Watch a Game: Tootsie's
There are times -- like the first three and a half quarters of every NBA game ever -- when the game is pretty meaningless and you need a nice distraction. Tootsies’ll give you the best distractions ever but still let you catch the game on one of their 30 gigantic plasma screens. Just don’t get TOO distracted or you’ll have a hard time answering when your girlfriend asks you who won.
Best Club if You’re Tired of Getting Hassled to “Tip me For My Dance”: Wonderland
“No, Trinitee, I didn’t see your dance”, is a phrase you’ll never have to use at this 50s-burlesque-joint done up in South Beach neon, since the girls get fired for doing that. The downside is it’s only topless, but the peace and quiet is worth the (relatively) limited view.
Best Club to Catch a Second-hand Buzz: Take One
After a half-hour inside this smoke-filled strippery, you might not know whether you're in the champagne room or the back of Trick Daddy’s limousine, though at least if it's the later, there's a chance it'll stop at the nearest combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
Best Club to Have Lunch: Showgirls, Inc.
You know what goes great with a hot naked girl dancing on a pole? Ok, a lot of things... but the only one we can talk about is chicken sandwiches. Which are awesome here and totally FREE Monday-Friday if you buy a beer for the extremely-reasonable-for-strip-clubs price of $5.
Best Club to Go on a Date: Scarlett's
You know those girls who try to act all cool and claim they go to strip clubs, like "all the time", 'cause they're "just one of the guys" or they like the idea of "hooking up with a girl" even though they never do? Those girls all go to Scarlett’s. They go for the flashing neon, plush seats, the throbbing dance music, and girls so hot that she might just, maybe, actually... nah, still not gonna happen.
Best Food Item: The Pizza at Pink Pony
The odds of your girlfriend believing you went to a strip club for the pizza aren't good. Not unless you bring home one of these fresh-baked, housemade dough-discs, after which, she’ll probably start insisting she come along next time. So, actually, maybe don’t do that.
Best Club to Learn How to Fake a Russian Accent: Club Madonna
Much as you’d like to believe it really is Mikhaila’s first night at work since she moved here from Minsk two weeks ago, her name’s actually Kelly and she’s been working there since the 90s. Believe us.
Best club to get More for Your Money: Playmates Club
When Chris Rock wrote that famous song about strip clubs, he may, or may not, have been talking about Playmates (formerly known as Alley Cats) where, as the above photo from their champagne room suggests, $100 might go a lot further than it would anywhere not called the Opa-Locka Swap Meet. Just sayin'.
Best Club to See a Rapper or Pro Athlete Make it Rain: King of Diamonds
There’s a lot of awards the venerable KOD could have won. Best Pole Dancers. Best Club to Watch a New Times Columnist do Said Pole Dance. Best club to Get a Haircut. But when a place is mentioned in every single Lil Jon song ever and has a full basketball court in case the Portland Trail Blazers decide to stop by, awarding it anything else would be…waitforit….Krazy.
1. Tootsie's Cabaret150 NW 183rd St., Miami Gardens
2. King Of Diamonds17800 State Road 9, Miami
3. Playmates Club3875 Shipping Ave, Miami
4. Club Madonna1527 Washington Ave, Miami Beach
5. Wonderland7778 Biscayne Blvd., Miami
6. Take One Cocktail Lounge333 NE 79 St., Miami
7. Showgirls19995 S Dixie Hwy, Miami
8. Scarlett's Cabaret2920 SW 30th Ct, Miami
Tootsies is a North Dade superclub with over 300 dancers, non-stop sports on plasma Televisions, delicious bar cuisine, sky boxes and champagne rooms. It's the closest thing you'll get in Miami to a Vegas strip club, with the added bonus of a full liquor bar and full nude, full friction dancing.
Boasting a roster of up to 100 girls, a dozen super skyboxes(?!), 30+ private vip suites, a shoe shine station, a clothing boutique, a barber shop, tanning beds, full body massages, an auto detailing service, wifi/computers in the bathrooms... oh, and a full food and drink menu, this cavernous spot is the king of strip clubs, at least if you listen to literally all the rappers and are a fan of all the athletes who show up on the regular. Tickets must be purchased from the website.
Sure this low-ceiling'd, very neon-heavy, spot'll ply you with drinks from it's full bar, or snacks from it's limited menu, but the focus here is on the girls, who you can watch from a table overlooking their small, glass-tiered main stage, or see up close in their recently(-ish) redone, and very private, champagne room.
This oft sued-by-the-actual-Madonna spot, is Miami Beach's only gentleman's club, is BYOB, and is a constant thorn in the side of city government, but that's OK 'cause... well, naked women! Naked women who dance in very purple, pop-art splashed space, where given the lack of drink/food/other entertainment options, you've really got no choice but to watch.
Mixing 1950s burlesque with South Beach bottle service, VIP touches, Wonderland is a clash of old and new that makes for the most relaxing, luxurious strip club environment in Miami. Yes, it's only topless (unless you opt for a private room with one of the dancers, where those sorts of things are, as always, negotiable) but the dancers aren't allowed to hassle you for tips and the food is as good as any restaurant not called Blue Collar.
There’s strip clubs that keep it real, and there’s strip clubs that have a plume of smoke worthy of Trick Daddy’s limousine come out as soon as you open the door. Take One’s the second one where the smell of…let’s say Black and Milds……is so strong that after half an hour inside you’ll be making a B-line for the nearest combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
A Miami strippery with frequent happy hours, a champagne room, and pretty much whatever else you'd expect from SoFla's premier gentleman's club.
This bottle-service-style strippery in Hollandale is massive (a half-dozen stipper poles; lounge, vip, and bar areas; and a tiered VIP area), boast some pretty massive deals (free happy hour eats from 12-6p, constant drink specials, etc.), and has some... um, massively talented employees, who'll at least make you feel like YOU are.