The 18 Worst People You See at the Beach
Quick... when was the last time you went to the beach? Don't remember? Exactly. Of all the things that people from out of town need explained to them, the one they never seem to understand is why, if you've lived here a year or so, you hardly ever head out to the sand. Sure, there’s the traffic, the parking hassle, and the constant threat of rain. But then there’re also these 18 people who sometimes make us wish we lived in Jacksonville.
1. The club flyer guyNo matter how many trees you kill to let ladies know they drink free from 10-midnight, you’re still not getting anybody to come to Bamboo.
2. DJ ShadyWho knew sitting in a chair under a tent, fully clothed, blasting your demo CD through a PA system, and smoking Black & Milds was the best way to get a record deal?
3. The couple doing it in the oceanIt's sooooo romantic that you’re getting to know each other so well 100ft from small children.
4. The guy who doesn’t even make an effort to hide his liquorHey pal, that sign that says “No glass on the beach” isn’t referring to meth.
5. The lobsterSun’s a little more intense here than it is back in Copenhagen, isn’t it, Sven?
6. The metal detector guyBecause the 50,000 people who went over this spot before you just didn’t have what it takes to find Blackbeard’s gold. Or, ya know, 78 cents.
7. The guy fighting a losing battle with the newspaperDid you know technology has developed a way where you can... you know what? Never mind. Your Tropical Life section just landed on my towel.
8. The cut-rate bottled water salesmanWe’d be a little more appreciative of your efforts to help us avoid paying $5 for a bottle of Dasani if we weren’t 100% certain you got this stuff out of your building’s communal car wash hose.
9. The inevitable SandmanMaybe today will be the day you go to the beach, enjoy the water, and don’t manage to somehow end up completely covered in sand. Oh. Wait. Nope. Today is NOT that day.
10. Too-small-towel guySitting on a bright green gym towel isn’t gonna make you look 6’2”. It IS, however, gonna make you look like a short guy on a ridiculously small towel.
11. The naked, screaming little kidIs there a minimum age for which someone can be called a completely inconsiderate jerk? Please say it’s five.
12. The New York nightlife queenIf you drop the name of one more reality “star," mention another club that you drink at for free, or say, “He’s gonna get me a job there as a bottle girl,” your friend back in Great Neck is going to find herself talking to sea kelp.
13. The not-so-subtle beach photographerMaybe if you didn’t use trips to the beach as photo shoots for your own amateur adult entertainment collection, there’d be a lot more topless girls out here.
14. The topless grandmaThanks to that last guy, now the only topless girls laying out haven’t been “girls” since the '70s.
15. The forever-standing meatheadYes, because we all came to the beach to see that body you crafted at LA Fitness and your impressive collection of “305” tattoos.
16. The guy playing catch. Who can't catch.There is a 1000% chance this guy’s football/volleyball/pickleball will end up on your towel.
17. The leathery, possibly homeless couple sitting by the sea wallThey occasionally wonder why they haven’t bumped into anybody from their crew from Mississippi State class of ‘85 who rode down for spring break. But as long as there are people with whom to throw down Bud Heavys at the Deuce, they could care less.
18. The fat guy in a SpeedoNo, dude, it’s not cultural. Your gut hanging out over a tiny piece of spandex is gross in Brazil, too.
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