22 things Miami does better than anywhere else
Among the many reasons Miami might be better off this season without LeBron is the fact that the rest of America can stop hating on us now. And as we enter the time of year when we forget about the flooding, the humidity & the Marlins and realize there’s nowhere else we’d rather live, maybe now everyone can start to appreciate the 22 things we do best.
1. Being late
We’ve gotten so good at it that Congress should give Dade County its own time zone 45 minutes behind the rest of the Eastern seaboard.
If you don’t speak at least two languages in Miami, good luck getting a job. Unless you want to work at Walgreens.
3. Cuban sandwiches
Get out of here with your crazy salami sandwiches, Tampa! A real Cuban’s made with ham and roasted pork. Plus it was invented in Florida, so we probably do it better than Cuba too.
We’re number one in identity theft and Medicare/IRS fraud. That’s like being the Miguel Cabrera of scams.
5. Super Bowls
Although somehow the NFL thinks good stadium food and fancy scoreboards mean that people would rather spend a February week in Houston.
6. Bandwagon jumping
The Heat might seriously reconsider banning Lil Wayne from the AAA when they realize he might be the only person showing up for February games against Toronto.
7. Avoiding work
Unless, of course, we’ve vastly underestimated the earning potential of Instagramming selfies from the beach.
8. Wannabe DJs
Just like every hostess in LA is also an actress and every waiter in New York also works “off-Broadway”, every guy selling you a cell phone in Miami also has a residency at Blue Martini.
9. Condo construction
The only places that put up nondescript glass towers faster than Miami are Chinese cities you’ve never heard of with 10 million people.
10. Art Deco
We’d be even better than those Chinese cities if it weren’t for the silly “preservation” of the largest collection of Art Deco buildings in the world.
11. Starting over
So your name’s Chuck and you got laid off from your tech job back in Portland? As far as anyone in Miami is concerned your name is Massimo and you’ve been running clubs in Milan since you were 12.
12. Over-the-top cars
Monaco probably has more, but those people actually own them.
Everyone who comes here on vacation decides they want to live in Miami. Then they move here and spend entire days looking for jobs anywhere else.
14. Multi-generational living
And you thought you were done getting the third degree from your date’s Grandmother when you graduated from middle school!
15. Getting celebs in trouble
You didn’t see the ShamWow guy beating up a cannibal hooker in Vegas did you? No. And there are restaurants in LA that see fewer celebs a month than the holding cells at DCJ.
Booty music was invented here (you’re welcome), our two most noteworthy local musical artists have a hit song claiming "white girl got some ass”, and it may be the only city in America where women are trying to GAIN weight to fill out their jeans. Oh, and we’re the birthplace of the ass implant (you’re welcome again).
Yeah, we said it. Because snow is only fun until you realize your car is blocked in, AND we’ve got Santa’s Enchanted Forest.
LA might give us a challenge here, but can they flake in English, Spanish, AND Portuguese? Game, set, match, Miami.
19. Convincing people we’re rich
There’s not a person who’s ever watched the Travel Channel who’d believe that we’re the poorest city in America and have the third highest income inequality. $100,000 cars... everybody’s got ‘em!
20. 24-hour clubs
When closing time rolls around and you wanna keep the party going, it's actually possible to have a debate about going to Space or E11even. In most cities you have one choice, and it’s called Denny’s.
21. Stuff that necessitates 24-hour clubs
Like, ya know, um… really good DJs!
22. Winter weather
You know what makes the flaky people, endless construction, perpetual scamming, and a transient population worth it? February.
Sign up here for our daily Miami email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.