15 Things You Forget When You Live in Miami
Living in Miami is kinda like sitting on the beach: awesome for a while, but if you do it too long you could end up doing some serious damage. And for those of us that still live here, the full level of dementia that's set in isn't really obvious until we go somewhere else. Here are 15 things you forget are completely normal until you set foot outside South Florida...
1. People don’t all speak Spanish
There’s nothing quite like that shock when you walk off a plane somewhere in America, look around, and don’t hear a word of Spanish. It’s like somebody’s about to come up and direct you to the customs line.
2. Not everyone is in fantastic shape
And you generally come to this horrible realization the first time you hook up with someone in a cold weather city, remover 14 layers of clothes, and realize you didn’t quite get what you bargained for.
3. People expect you to show up on time
People actually make plans. Not options. And if you show up 15 minutes late for a group dinner not only are you the last person there, but people have the nerve to expect some sort of apology.
4. Red lights mean stop. Even the ones without cameras.
Not “three more cars, four if you’re turning left.” This is why yellows last half as long in other cities, and there’s not the mandatory pause between reds.
5. Manners. They’re a thing apparently.
People aren’t holding the door just so they can look at your ass, and the guy saying hello to you in the street isn’t going to immediately ask you for a dollar if you say hi back. Try not to be too freaked out.
6. Not everyone is a realtor
So you won’t be in the middle of a lap dance and have to awkwardly tell the stripper, no, actually, you’re not in the market for a 2/2.
7. You don’t kiss strangers hello
If you’re a guy, this may actually lead to a physical altercation in many parts of the South. And Boston. If you’re female, it will lead to almost as many unwelcome come-ons as you get in Miami.
8. It gets cold. In September.
Take a road trip up to Georgia or the Carolinas towards the end of September wearing shorts and a tank top, when you get out of your car for that cheap Georgia gas, it’ll feel like you walked into a meat locker.
9. Drinks don’t cost more than your lunch
So when the bartender tells you $6 for you and your buddy’s beers, you will invariably tell him “No, how much for both?”
10. People go to dinner at, like, 6pm
This is apparently NOT just a phenomenon limited to the Western parts of Palm Beach County. In other cities if you think you’re “beating the rush” by getting there at 7pm, make sure your phone is nice and charged.
11. Good service exists
Waiters will actually refill your soda without asking. You won’t have to walk around the restaurant to find a waiter who will do you the favor of dropping off your check. And they might, MIGHT, just be able to explain the menu to you. Oh, and there’s no service charge on the bill. It’s like a giant nation of Ritz-Carltons.
12. Traffic laws are actually enforced
So go all NWA when a cop has the audacity to pull you over for going around the car in front of you to make a left turn.
13. Pedestrians expect you to stop for them
Go ahead and take the insurance on your rental car because the hood is going to be slammed multiple times by pedestrians who don’t seem to think it’s okay for you to make a right turn through a crosswalk before they’ve had a chance to saunter through.
14. Bars don’t close at 5am
So taking two hours to get ready and going out at one is actually a pretty good way to save money since you’ll only be out for 30 minutes before last call.
15. Air conditioning isn’t kept on full blast
And you’ll never really have a good answer when people say, “But you’re from Florida. Shouldn’t you want it HOT?”
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