18 things you only see in Miami bars and restaurants
Miami bars and restaurants are kinda like that hot girl who is inexplicably single: everything looks great on the outside, but there's probably something super messed up going on inside. To wit, we rounded up 18 things that you'll never be able to explain to out-of-towners, and that you'll only see in Miami bars and restaurants:
1. Décor shaped like automatic weapons
We’re pretty sure 1826 picked this baby up at Tony Montana’s garage sale.
2. DJs in restaurants
Because nothing sets the mood for an elegant meal like dubstep.
3. Bad service you’re charged for anyway
If taking our order is the massive favor you make it out to be, why are you charging us 18% of the bill for it?
4. Clubs in all three sports stadiums
If you have a choice between watching the Marlins or body-painted naked girls dancing over a pool, you’re not choosing the Marlins.
5. Making an 8pm reservation. Getting your table at 9:30pm.
You’d be surprised how many $16 Scotches you can go through in an hour and a half at Prime 112’s bar. You know who wouldn’t be surprised? Prime 112.
6. Reality TV “stars” who're treated like actual stars
You don’t know it, but the reason you’re spending an hour and a half at said bar is because they gave your table to Justin Bieber’s lawyer’s wife.
8. Teenagers in grown-up clubs
If you’re a girl and grew up in Miami, you were over South Beach before you could buy lotto tickets.
9. “Fine dining” furniture made out of your tacky Aunt’s stretch-pants
Either that, or Disney’s Animal Kingdom threw up all over the inside of Cavalli.
10. Three-for-one drinks the size of your head
And in case you missed it, they’re $28 each.
11. Restaurants that’re dead at 8pm, but packed at 11pm
You’ll realize how abnormal this is the first time you go to another city and attempt to go out to dinner without a reservation at what some might consider “dinner time”.
12. De Rodriguez Cuba on Ocean's Cuban sandwich on a stick
Miami does Cuban sandwiches better than anyone else. No one else does Cuban sandwiches on a stick. Period.
13. Having your dinner interrupted by bottle girls carrying sparklers
Thank you, sir, for announcing that you’ve chosen to wash down your meal with a $500 Magnum of Goose by spraying my tilapia with a fine layer of Magnesium dust.
14. Small children in restaurants at 1am. On a weekday.
They’re the only ones who think those sparklers are cool.
15. A gourmet restaurant on top of a strip club
If you ever find yourself at E11even on a Tuesday thinking: “Destinee’s implants are nice, but what I could really go for right now is a James Beard preview dinner,” well, look at that, Carla Pellegrino’s having one at Touche, 30ft above Destinee’s head.
16. Chefs who look like models
We’re pretty sure Carla could work downstairs, too.
17. Restaurants with a “scene”, but no food
Quick, name one thing on the menu at Seasalt and Pepper. Neither can anybody there.
18. A staff that speaks no English, and tells you to learn Spanish
And don’t even think about going on an “I thought this was America” rant. It’s not.