21 ways to tell tourists apart from locals in Miami

Whoever said Miami doesn't have seasons clearly was... well, wrong. We may not have the usual four of winter, spring, summer, and fall, but we do have our own two: hurricane and tourist. And in case you hadn't noticed the cooler weather/horrendous traffic, we’ve just moved out of the former and into latter. So how do you tell who’s a hardened local and who’ll be heading home on Sunday night? Here’re 21 ways...

Flickr/Gareth Williams

Tourists: Spend four hours on the beach and end up roughly the color of Kool-Aid
Locals: Have deep tans and/or weekly basal cell carcinoma treatments
Tourists: Buy bottles in clubs
Locals: Know the bartender

Tourists: Speak English
Locals: Speak Spanglish
Tourists: Wear shorts when it's 68 degrees
Locals: Wear fur-lined winter coats and ski pants when it's 68 degrees
Tourists: Look shocked when their waiter isn’t friendly, prompt, and attentive
Locals: Are shocked if they get water within 15 minutes

South Beach Miami

Tourists: Think all of Miami is “South Beach”
Locals: Think all of Miami is another country
Tourists: Buy Heat tickets way ahead of time on StubHub for a steep markup
Locals: Show up 15 minutes after tip-off and refuse to give a scalper more than $20
Tourists: Open the windows and enjoy the warm air
Locals: Air condition the s**t out of everything

Beautiful People Miami

Tourists: Think Miami is full of beautiful people
Locals: Think Miami would be a great place, if it weren’t for all the people
Tourists: Are offended by a $12 Bud Light
Locals: Get excited for a happy hour with $7 beers 
Tourists: Complain about all the bad drivers
Locals: Complain about all the bad drivers, while changing lanes without using a turn signal and then stopping in the middle of traffic to ask if you need that dent repaired

Flickr/Heidi De Vries

Tourists: Wear shirts with LMFAO lyrics
Locals: Don’t wear shirts
Tourists: Ask new acquaintances “what do you do?”
Locals: Don’t “do” anything. So why would we ask?
Tourists: Comment on how many "Mexicans" there are in Miami
Locals: Comment on how hard it is to find decent Mexican food

Miami Lambo
Flickr/Tom Wolf

Tourists: Stop and take pictures of Ferraris, Lambos, and Bentleys
Locals: Cut them off in traffic. On purpose.
Tourists: Think people are impressed when they say they’re from New York
Locals: Stop listening as soon as they hear “I’m from New York”
Tourists: Wait in line to get into LIV
Locals: Walk up to the bouncer, give him a bro hug, and go right in. OR wait in line for awhile 'cause they don't know the bouncer, then say “F**k this let’s go to Ted’s.”. Or just go straight to Ted’s.


Tourists: Spend all day on the beach
Locals: Can’t remember the last time they went to the beach

Tourists: Cross the street and expect cars to stop
Locals: Speed up when we see people trying to cross the street

Tourists: Take Collins Ave
Locals: Take Alton Rd. FINALLY.

Tourists: Spend their vacation trying of think of ways they could move here
Locals: Spend their lives trying to find a way out

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