Why Dating in Miami Is Different Than Everywhere Else in the Country

Apparently, strip clubs aren’t popular date night spots in other cities.

Miami Dating

Dating in Miami is a necessary evil for those of us who don’t want to be single forever. But the term dating loosely translates to “finding someone that’s interested in more than a 2 am hookup, and is actually willing to hangout in public”—which is way more difficult than it should be. Once you’ve found that, then you’ve got to make sure they aren't using you for a green card, your boat, or your connections at Komodo. While dating in Miami—like everything here—can give you better stories than everyone you know who doesn’t live here, it can also drive you absolutely insane. Here’re 15 reasons why dating in the 305 is such a disaster.

Career women are considered the most intimidating of them all

Are you focused, motivated, and ambitious? Ooof, more times than not that’s going to scare away the men in the not-so-Magic City.

You actually have to ask if they are married

Believe it or not, if you find out months into the relationship they aren’t single, they’re likely to respond with, “Well you didn’t ask.”

Miami Pool Party

Their Instagram will drive you crazy

There is a 100% chance of seeing pictures of your date with scantily clad members of the opposite sex posted within 48 hours of your date.

When someone says they are bi, you should clarify if its sexual or lingual

If you’re not one of these, you might not fit into Miami’s dating pool. Even more so when it comes to only speaking one language in Miami since it decreases your options by at least half.

Wikimedia/Tom Hipster

A car is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a personality

As are any kind of implant.

Your date may share a bedroom wall with his Grandmother

And Abuelita doesn’t need to understand English to know what you were screaming about last night. Enjoy her judging looks as you sneak out while she's making perico in the morning.

Miami porn star

Guys are either insanely rich or dirt poor

So you’ll either end up going back to a shady house on Pine Tree Dr where a driver takes you home in the morning, or sneaking in the back door of his parents’ casita.

You may get dumped in favor of a reality show

Fame is the name of the game, baby.

Kissing in Miami

Your best dates will be with people who are leaving on Sunday

Because all those tall, attractive, educated, witty, ambitious people you meet are here on vacation or for a job they can actually explain.

You will still get the third degree from your date’s father well into your 30s

He still feels the need to protect his daughter’s virtue, even after her second divorce.

Your date probably has an OnlyFans account

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Rent is expensive in this town.

Date at Scarlett's
Scarlett's Cabaret

Going to a strip club is a perfectly acceptable date

Miami guys are going to spend the entire date looking at other girls anyway, you might as well get in on the action yourself. Plus, where else are you going to go when the regular bars close?

You never really know what your date does for work

There’s a reason Miamians never ask “what do you do?” You’ll get an aneurism trying to figure out how a girl pays for a two-bedroom apartment in South Beach working one night a week as a “promo girl.” And when a guy says “I run some businesses,” you really don’t want to think too hard about that either.

Flickr/Thank You

Everyone’s looking for the next best thing

So your date may well jump off your 150 foot yacht to swim to a 300 foot yacht and never come back.

When you finally find that one perfect person, they will move

Because if you’re into things like career, marriage, and children, what are you doing in Miami?

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Matt Meltzer is a contributing writer for Thrillist. Follow him on Instagram @meltrez1.
Amber Love Bond is a contributor for Thrillist.