Why Dating in Miami Is Different Than Everywhere Else in the Country

Dating in Miami, if you want to call it that, isn’t so much dating as it is finding someone who's okay with only staying out until 1am some nights. Or someone who wants a day on your boat. And while dating in Miami -- like everything here -- can give you better stories than anyone else you know, it can also drive you absolutely insane. Here’re 15 reasons why dating in the 305 is such a disaster.
 

Your date might just be into you for paperwork

If your citizenship status comes up on date one, run. Or tell them upfront it’s 30 grand.
 

Their Instagram will drive you crazy

There is a 100% chance of seeing pictures of your date with scantily clad members of the opposite sex posted within 48 hours of your date.
 

When you say someone’s bi, it means lingual

Only speaking one language in Miami decreases your dating pool by at least half. More if that language is English.
 

You’ll rarely get to wear heels

Unless you want your date selfies to look like pictures from an eighth grade dance.

A car is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a personality

As are breast implants.
 

Your date may share a bedroom wall with his Grandmother

And Abuelita doesn’t need to understand English to know what you were screaming about last night. Enjoy her judging looks as you sneak out while she's making perico in the morning.

There’s a decent chance at some point your date did porn

So don’t open that link your boy just sent you that ends with “hottie-does-Grandpa-on-a-table.”
 

Guys are either insanely rich or dirt poor

So you’ll either end up going back to a shady house on Pine Tree Dr where a driver takes you home in the morning, or sneaking in the back door of his parents’ casita.
 

You may get dumped in favor of a reality show

"But if I don't get a rose past round two, we can totally still hang out."

Your best dates will be with people who are leaving on Sunday

Because all those tall, attractive, educated, witty, ambitious people you meet are here on vacation or for a job they can actually explain.
 

You will still get the third degree from your date’s father well into your 30s.

He still feels the need to protect his daughter’s virtue, even after her second divorce.
 

You may find your date’s picture on an escort website

It’s a good question why he goes by “The Iron Sheik” on weekends. It’s a better question what you’re doing on an escort website.

Going to a strip club is a perfectly acceptable date

Miami guys are going to spend the entire date looking at other girls anyway, you might as well get in on the action yourself.
 

You never really know what your date does for work

There’s a reason Miamians never ask “what do you do?” You’ll get an aneurism trying to figure out how a girl pays for a two-bedroom apartment in South Beach working one night a week as a “promo girl.” And when a guy says “I run some businesses,” you really don’t want to think too hard about that either.

Everyone’s looking for the next best thing

So your date may well jump off your 150ft yacht to swim to a 300ft yacht and never come back.

When you finally find that one perfect person, they will move

Because if you’re into things like career, marriage, and children, what are you doing in Miami?

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