Given the heat/humidity, all of these bars, and a completely permissive culture, Miami is basically an incubator for bad decisions. Thankfully, tourists make the really bad ones, but even after you've lived here for a while you've got to be careful to avoid making one of the 23 worst decisions you can make in Miami....
1. Buying shellfish from a guy selling it out of a foam cooler
You know “camarones” is Spanish for “violent diarrhea” right?
2. Assuming ANYBODY speaks English
Smiling and nodding only means “I have the ability to smile and nod”.
3. Driving on the Palmetto
Especially with these people.
4. Parking in a questionable South Beach parking spot
Or even an unquestionable one. Kim Jong-un admits he’s wrong more than Beach Towing.
5. Using a turn signal
In Miami they’re actually known as “speed up so I can’t get over” signals. That’s why nobody uses them.
6. Thinking you can live without a car
Your attempts to “go green” are cute until you try to take Car2Go to BJ’s for the first time.
7. Dating a promoter
You’re “dating” him the same way you were “dating” Derek Jeter.
8. Going to Space
Because no one has ever woken up Monday morning and said “You know what I’m REALLY glad I did...”
9. Not asking for an itemized bill at the bar
Your bartender doesn’t manage to work one day a week by telling people that the tip is included.
10. Taking US-1
Ever. Like not even the part in Maine.
11. Giving your keys to a valet
Sure, you might get them back. Or you might be told the driver left them in a car that’s halfway to Tampa.
12. Heading to the beach after 1pm
Unless you think the best way to spend a sunny day is looking for parking.
13. Living in Kendall
If you enjoy chain restaurants and traffic that much maybe you should consider Orlando. On some days it might take you less time to get Downtown.
14. Planning a big night out based on a "hookup" your friend says he has at LIV
Because he doesn’t. And now your only option is Ted’s.
15. Going for a run at 4pm in the summer
But if you want a new iPod and enjoy the smell of wet shoes in the dryer, go for it.
16. Marrying that hot foreign girl because she "thinks you’re cute"
Your inability to salsa dance will no longer be “cute” after her final INS hearing.
17. Assuming that guy you got in an accident with told the truth about his car insurance
Just FYI, real insurance companies don’t print their cards on cocktail napkins.
18. Leaving your laptop on the passenger seat because you’re just "running in for a few minutes"
If it takes you more than 30 seconds to break into a car, you aren’t really from Miami.
19. Getting anything on Craigslist
Because it probably came from the front seat of someone’s car.
20. Passing up a decent looking girl because you think you’ve got a chance with a model
You don't. She's using you for drinks.
21. Deciding the Metrorail is a good way to get to Coconut Grove
Unless you're, like, trying to buy crack, which you can totally do when it lets you out in the West Grove.
22. Buying a pre-construction condo
See those 20,000 units going up right now? There’s a sucker buying every single one because he thinks he’ll make money too.
23. Thinking that the "Historic Overtown" sign on 95 South is referencing a tourist attraction
Who knew that German-tourist carjackings were such an integral part of Miami's history?
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