21 things you need to do before you're officially a Miamian

If Vanilla Ice taught us anything, it’s that people who move to Miami love to call themselves Miamians as soon as they find a couch to crash on. But if LeBron James taught us anything, it’s that most of those people end up leaving before they can really call the 305 home. So what do you have to do before you can change your “Hometown” on Facebook to Miami, FL and make all your friends jealous? These 21 things...

1. Survive a hurricane

You know somebody’s new in town when their first reaction to an impending Category 3 is “Awesome! Hurricane party!”.

2. Hold an entire conversation in Spanglish

If you’re not fluent in Miami’s official language, a conversation in broken Spanish with a Walgreens clerk that consists of a lot of finger pointing and “Dónde está los Swiffer Wet Jets” will suffice.

3. Get proposed to for paperwork

Finding a life partner in Miami is hard. Finding a two-year partner that’ll pay you 30 grand to take some pictures and go to a few meetings at the INS? Easier than breathing.

Miami Beach Police Car Tow

4. Get towed

This means spending Sunday morning emptying your bank account, sweating through your clothes from the night before, and waiting hungover in a 20-minute line to get back a car that you’re pretty sure was parked legally anyway.

5. Have an FPL bill completely ruin your weekend plans

A/C, like everything else that makes life in Miami worth living, doesn't come cheap.

6. Spend a night in DCJ

The phrase “cold bologna sandwich” should conjure up memories of sharing a walk-in freezer with 85 of your closest friends and a family of rats.
Alt: bail a friend out of DCJ and wait for them on a painfully humid afternoon outside “Property Return".


7. Have an F-list celebrity story

Syrus from The Real World talks about that night you bought him Coors Light pitchers all the time too.

8. Have your car broken into

Apparently there's a huge demand in South Florida for black market mix-CDs and broken cellphone chargers.

9. Dress like the kids from South Park the first day it dips below 70 degrees

Because this may be your only chance to show off the $1000-worth of winter clothes you bought for that weekend trip to New York in 2012.

10. Appear on a reality TV show

Not as a character, but sitting in the background of the dive bar where they decided to shoot the cast of Bad Girls Club.

South Beach Flooding

11. Have a flood damage your car

Bonus points if your insurance refuses to cover it.

12. Have your identity stolen

In order to vote in Florida, somebody actually has to pretend to be you first.

13. Change your cell phone to a 305 number

And not 786 either. Call MetroPCS and say if you don’t get a 305 number you’re switching to Boost.

14. Get in an accident with an uninsured motorist

Alt: be that uninsured motorist.


15. See the sun rise on the Space patio

“Let’s go to Space” is basically Miami for “Your Sunday is f**ked”.

16. Get lost on Hialeah's incomprehensible street grid 

How did I go from NW 42nd Ave to East 8th Ave?! Why is there a rooster in the middle of the street? Why is this man trying to sell me shellfish at a traffic light? Why are there that many people at an Olive Garden at 3pm on a Tuesday? I hate Miami.  

17. Go for a late-night dip in the ocean, return to an empty wallet

Because skinny dipping with that spring breaker from Texas was totally worth $27 in cash and an entire Tuesday at the DMV in Hialeah, right?


18. Coke

Because who in Miami hasn’t enjoyed a nice cold refreshing Coca-Cola? Why, what did you think we meant?

19. Go to another city and kiss everyone hello. Create awkward situations.

Ladies, this is 100% guaranteed to cause some douchebag at your cousin’s wedding in Connecticut to say “She wants me” and not leave you alone all night.

20. Take the Metrorail

Bonus points if you used Sacagawea dollars to get to the Miami Arena. Double bonus points if it was to watch the Hooters.

21. Seriously, no, SERIOUSLY think about leaving

But you’re still here, aren’t you?

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