The 99 Problems With Milwaukee

We love you Milwaukee, but sometimes you’re a tough pill to swallow. You may be a great place on a Great Lake, but not when the lake turns on us and dumps 7in of lake-effect snow in April (search: "one-way flights to Miami"). We’re not breaking up with you just yet, MKE, but you’ve got 99 problems you need to work on for us to be truly happy.

1. Cell phone coverage at Summerfest
2. Sheriff David Clarke’s cowboy hat
3. Infinite I-94 construction
4. "Wrigley Field North"
5. Emerald ash borer all up in your trees
6. The false hope of a 70-degree day in March
7. Harley Thunder every five years
8. What's that smell at the lake?
9. Being called a Chicago suburb
10. Scott Walker
11. Two hours away from Lambeau Field
12. ...and not far enough away from Soldier Field
13. Deciding which new craft beer to drink
14. Grocery store blight in the inner city
15. The free keg is gone an hour into your cousin's wedding
16. FIBs
17. Food trucks hibernate for winter


18. East Side parking
19. ​East Side parking in snow storms
20. Cryptosporidium
21. Getting the password wrong at Safe House
22. No more Summerfest pins
23. Miller HQ left for Chicago
24. Getting stuck behind the salt truck
25. ...after your third car wash of the winter
26. Missing people turning up in the river
27. Deep Tunnel overflows
28. Beer gardens closing for winter
29. Lake erosion
30. Everyone will complain about the weather, always
31. Lack of bike lanes
32. Deciding between Arctic Monkeys or Neon Trees at Summerfest

33. Discombobulation
34. Never enough Nueske's bacon
35. Artist and Display closed
36. Atomic Records closed
37. Everyone but you has a selfie with the Milverine
38. Drink prices at The Rave
39. Lines for the Lakefront Brewery tour
40. Anyone want to fund a new arena for the Bucks?
41. Scandalous Milwaukee Archdiocese
42. The Pfister ghost
43. Finding a bathroom at 2am on Water St
44. Time Warner Cable
45. Adler without Kramp
46. Pronouncing Giannis Antetokounmpo

47. American Science & Surplus: we don’t know what anything is but we want it all
48. State Fair: cream puff or funnel cake?
49. ...or cheese curds or mozzarella marinara?
50. Church during Packers games
51. Priest not postponing church during Packer games
52. No more dolphin strollers at the Zoo
53. At Random is always closed when you show up
54. Territorial wild turkeys
55. Wrong-way drivers
56. Potholes
57. Rush is a headliner at Summerfest, again?
58. All the stuff on top of your Bloody Mary falls off
59. Tom Barrett’s self defense skills
60. “One call, that’s all!”
61. You lost your shoe on the Sky Glider
62. ...and your beer
63. Fog in June
64. Canceled air shows
65. Another day, another Braun injury
66. Packers don't play here no more
67. You’ll never get used to calling it Colectivo
68. Scott Walker’s smug resting face
69. The Hoan Bridge is falling down
70. Pronouncing all the Polish names

71. Giant insects  
72. Either hearing or not hearing “last call”
73. Followed the next day by the walk of shame
74. Bob Uecker won't be around forever
75. Being too far gone to wait in line at Dogg Haus
76. No Double-Double Animal Style from In-N-Out
77. 450 applicants per job opening
78. Sunday drivers
79. Three hours is not enough tailgate time at Miller Park
80. Curds that don’t squeak
81. It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity
82. Little kids are hogging the rattlesnake button
83. ...and the howler monkey 
84. Braun's fall from grace
85. MPS
86. Polar vortices

87. Avoiding piles of dung at State Fair
88. No drive-thru liquor stores
89. Property taxes
90. Bars have to close for 3.5 hours a day
91. No airline is as great as Midwest Express was
92. No local college football team to root for
93. Northridge Mall
94. The streetcar debate
95. What public transportation?
96. John Taffer “rescued” bars here, twice
97. Eastsiders who refuse to leave the East Side
98. Pick 'n Save is your nearest grocery store
99. Guns not used for their intended purpose of shooting deer

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