Lifestyle

The 99 problems with the Twin Cities

Let's face it, the Twin Cities are almost perfect, especially in the summertime, but if you've lived here for a bit you kind of have to admit that we've got a few problems. In fact we've got no less than 99 problems, and a (mosquito) itch is one...


1. Potholes in our potholes.
2. Powder days better than the ones at Vail. 
3. Not being Vail.
4. Yards full of frozen poop.
5. Yards full of thawing poop.
6. Adrian Peterson.
7. Not having Adrian Peterson.
8. The polar vortex that started in 1936 and has yet to cease.
9. Mosquitos. Those little things... waitforit!... suck!
10. Frac mining, apparently. 
11. Not knowing what frac mining is.
12. No Sunday liquor sales. 
13. Being so close to Wisconsin… which has Sunday liquor sales.

14. Vikings fans.
15. Packers fans.
16. Louie Anderson.
17. Loni Anderson.
18. Richard Dean Anderson.
19. RICK ANDERSON (the pitching coach for the Minnesota Twins). 
20. So many lakes, so little time.
21. So many frozen lakes, for such long a time.
22. Our proximity to Canadians.
23. Our breweries aren't stumbling distance from each other.
24. Car batteries in winter.
25. Outdoor movies barely last three months.
26. Most golf courses per capita in the country, fewest days per year to play.
27.Out-of-towners wanting you to take 'em to "The Mall".
28. "Outstate" and the people who're out there.
29. Not enough actual Sasquatch sightings.

30. Our greatest local hero, Paul Bunyan, is fictional.
31. Lutefisk.
32. Lutherans.
33. If you're Lutheran, other people.
34. Eventually the fall leaves fall, then they become a chore.
35. Yellow snow.
36. Charles Lindbergh's from here but he named his plane after Nelly's hometown.
37. Charles Lindbergh was kind of a Nazi sympathizer.
38. First Ave the street it not as cool as First Ave the venue.
39. First Ave the venue is not as cool as it should be.
40. Local wine.
41. Local whiners.
42. How much success pro teams have once they leave.
43. Norm Green.
44. Garrison Keillor.
45. The I-94 and 35W junction.
46. I-94 between Minneapolis and St. Paul at rush hour.
47. The historic Grainbelt Brewery is now a library. 
48. The historic Schmidt Brewery has been converted into lofts.
49. The historic Schmidt's Brewery is on West 7th.

50. Jucy Lucy creators in-fighting. 
51. If you live in Minneapolis, St. Paul.
52. If you live in St. Paul, Minneapolis. 
53. If you live in the suburbs, both places.
54. We put our subway above ground.
55. There aren't enough river boats.
56. The Dakotas are totally boring.
57. So's Iowa.
58. Walking into an ice fishing hole.
59. People snowmobile to school… TO SCHOOL.
60. Improper pronunciation of Wayzata on Beverly Hills 90210.
61. Having towns with silly names like Wayzata.
62. Generally speaking, the movie Little Big League.
63. Freezing your balls off isn't just a saying here, it's a legitimate possibility. 
64. Fargo's actually in North Dakota.
65. Letting a terrible state take the name of our greatest river.
66. That Jesse Ventura's gotten ever weirder. 
67. Goose poop.
68. Michele Bachmann.
69. Bob Dylan no longer owns the Orpheum.
70. Bill Murray owns the St. Paul Saints and not the Minnesota Twins.
71. Smog. Just kidding.
72. People taking skewed perspective selfies next to the Cherry & Spoon.

73. Hot dish.
74. Nobody refers to us at the Paris of the Midwest.
75. There's no reason they should.
76. Not getting credit nationally for inventing Post-its and Scotch tape.
77. Getting credit nationally for inventing Pizza Rolls.
78. Weird state shape.
79. We ruined Chuck Knoblauch. 
80. The Metrodome -- even though it's long gone.
81. Our actual grumpy old men aren't half as charming as Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
82. There was never a Mighty Ducks 4.
83. Gordon Bombay doesn't actually exist… neither does that old Norwegian skate sharpener guy.
84. Randy Moss.
85. The late '90s R&B band Next.
86. Our college mascot is a Golden Gopher.
87. Prince is sooooo short.
88. Snowplows plowing your driveway in with a wall of snow, even if only an inch fell.
89. Sid Hartman's tape recorder.
90. We used to have streetcars, now we don't.
91. Willie Mays and Ted Williams both played for the Minneapolis Millers before we were alive to enjoy it.
92. We gave the world Zubaz.
93. The name of our most famous national politician ever was Hubert.
94. "Minnesota nice".
95. The State Fair only lasts two weeks.
96. Our food scene gets no respect.
97. No surfing.
98. The Winter Olympic sport we're best at (excluding hockey) is curling. CURLING.
99. The Whizzinator. 

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