Between general unfamiliarity with the enormous birds and inevitable fits of laughter, choosing one to win it all at Saturday's Don't Lay An Egg Dash (the crown jewel of Canterbury Park's Extreme Race Day) can be as tough as the sinewy, gamey dark meat of the losers. To that end, we've compiled insider info on which of these magnificent creatures deserves your bet in the race that'll reach speeds of up to 40mph, approx 1/3 of the speed you'll be traveling to get there, because there's f**king ostriches being ridden by tiny jockeys.
Birdyatta ODDS: 7-5
This she-bird's the safest pick, as her strong charges at the wire are widely known on the (ostrich) racing circuit. The one cause for concern is that she's being mounted by novice 'strich-jock Andrew Erwin, whose very name betrays his clear ambivalence over posting an, er, win.
Beakertariat ODDS: 2-1
Boasting an impressive (probably?) stride of 16ft, this guy's a proven winner, is being ridden by an experienced jockey, and has the best name.
Shacklebird ODDS: 30-1
The longest of shots, this two-toed winged wonder is "built for speed" and has been known to fly out of the gate. He's also being ridden by jockey-turned-jockey-agent Chuck Costanzo, so maybe Shackle's notoriously uneven past will be mitigated by the promise of a new contract with more worms, or rodents, or whatever ostriches eat.
Should you still find shady side-betting on birds too unpredictable, the main (ostrich) event will be followed by a race of also-funny, phlegm-chucking, desert-dwelling camels. Oh, and there're horses, if you're unfamiliar with the concept of fun.