19 Things You Should Never Do in the Twin Cities
There are some things you probably shouldn't do in the Twin Cities, like picking a regular burger over one of these delicious, invented in the MSP Juicy Lucys, but doing other things violates our very DNA, the very stuff that makes us uniquely, insufferably ourselves. There are some things you should never do in the Twin Cities. At least 19 of 'em, in fact...
1. Admitting that you don't like hockey
There are about nine months of winter every year and at least five ice rinks within a 10 mile radius of wherever you live, so there's no excuse not to love it. Oh, and have we talked about the 1980 Olympic team recently?
2. Driving past a Target without stopping in
If you don't walk out with at least five things you never knew you needed until you got there you're not shopping right either.
3. Admitting that you're a Packers/Badgers/Brewers fan
As the kids say, "Better dead than red." Or a cheesehead.
4. Using knock-off Post-Its
America's favorite office supply product was invented, like, 20 minutes from the Cities. Don't even try to buy the knock-off versions.
5. Boasting about liking macro brews
No matter how much you love the thin golden suds of a good old fashioned American macro, you don't openly praise 'em in a places that's opening sweet new breweries all the time.
6. Voting Republican in a Minneapolis city election
The only errand more foolish than deciding to vote Republican in a Minneapolis city election is deciding to run for a Minneapolis city office as a Republican.
7. Driving to work... alone
It takes some real cajones to make the two mile roundtrip to work all by your lonesome in your Tahoe when you live in "one of the most bike-able cities in America," one that also happens to have a simple, affordable, and comprehensive mass transit system.
8. Admitting you like the Vikings' new stadium
Be thy stoned by the anti-publicly-subsidized-stadium set and/or pro-bird-glassers if you admit to not only, GASP, being excited about the new Vikings stadium, but also to being into it's monstrously cool glass Viking ship design.
9. Using pesticides or even just WATER on your lawn
In the land where the pollinator-friendly denizens wear their burned out, weed-infested yard-prairies like a badge of honor, you'd do better to host dog fights in your front lawn than dare keep it the color it's supposed to be by spraying any sort of pesticide or fertilizer or, god forbid, just water, on it.
10. Being kinda "meh" about baseball and the Minnesota Twins
Think the only thing less exciting than an afternoon at the ballpark (especially when it means watching a perpetually 90-game-losing team) is a root canal? Yeah, that may be true, but maybe don't say it out-loud in Minneapolis, land of the baseball purist.
11. Watching TV all day in the summer
When like, seven months of the year dictate that you must do this, come good weather, if you're not standing in your lawn gasping in sunny air or on your way to one of our fantastic lakes by 10am on any given day, those who are reserve the right to judge your pasty ass harshly.
12. Walking three-wide in the Skyway
Only a trio of savages would clog Downtown's main pedestrian thoroughfare by walking shoulder to shoulder to shoulder.
13. Not knowing how to spell Mississippi
If this is really a thing for you, just don't ever admit it and/or be very convincing about only ever referring to it as the "Mighty Miss."
14. Swimming in the Mighty Miss
15. Not bringing reusable bags to the co-op
If you admit you didn't bring any bags with you, just go ahead and show the granola-munching cashier photos from your big-game-hunting African safari because it's immediately undone any good will shopping at the co-op did for you in the first place.
16. Not going to the co-op
They see you walking into Cub. From their bikes and their VW vans, they SEE YOU.
17. Going to Cowboy Jack's
Why do people keep doing that? Seriously. What if it turns out Affliction T-shirts are contagious?
18. Posting a "look at this random weirdo" picture of Scott Seekins
Excuse us, but that monochromatic creeper you covertly Tweeted a picture of while he wandered around Calhoun Square isn't just "this random weirdo," he's artist Scott Seekins, the most photographed and storied non-random weirdo in town.
19. Expressing general disinterest in Prince's music
Willing to admit that you've never been all that into the Purple Rain while in mixed company? You best go purify your tongue in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
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