We’ve already established that Minnesota has the best summers, not least because it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself on one of our state’s sweetest lakes. But when your proverbial moment in the sun finally comes, you’re gonna want to avoid making any of these egregious lake mistakes. Seriously, you should never...
1. Not channel wave
People on boats wave at other people on boats, especially when going through channels. We don’t know why, but stop being a jerk and wave back already.
2. Come in hot to a restaurant dock
The dock boys are many things, but superhuman miracle workers who can stop a 24-footer coasting in at 15mph is not one of them.
3. Wear a pooka shell necklace
Being on a boat with friends who went with you to Cancun during spring break 2001 does not mean it is spring break 2001.
4. Wear anything more than a swimsuit on the boat. Ever.
If it’s too cold for just a swimsuit, it’s too cold for the boat.
5. Toss your empties overboard
Dude, stop being an asshole.
6. Only ask dudes on your boat
Seriously, what’s the point of having a boat? Equally bad, being one of the dudes on somebody’s boat with just dudes.
7. Pee off the side of the boat
We’re all well aware that lakes are full of urine, feces, and oil, but that doesn’t mean you need to fly your meager flag and remind the world of it.
8. Roll with a home stereo on your boat
Extra minus points for strapping concert loudspeakers to your boat.
9. Fail to listen to Toots & the Maytals every time you’re ever on the boat
Trust us on this one.
10. Go tubing... unless children are involved
There’s no excuse for a boat full of bros to be tubing instead of wakeboarding or just sitting and idly drinking beers.
11. Drive your trailer up the launch without ratcheting your boat down
That horrendous screeching sound? That’s the bottom of the boat meeting the concrete launch pad.
12. Say “I think you’ll need a bigger boat.” Not even one time.
Most people won’t get the reference and those who do won’t think it’s funny... because it’s not funny.
13. Baywatch to impress a woman
This isn’t amateur hour, David Hasselhoff. Stay on the boat when you’re skimming across the lake.
14. Fail to obey buoys and channel markers
Would you drive a car on the sidewalk or not stop at a red light? They’re there for a reason.
15. Boat without using sunscreen
A day on a boat, with no cover, floating on top of a highly reflective surface under a bright, hot, burning sun. Nice to meet you, Redman.
16. Ask to be taken in off the lake midday
When you set foot on someone’s boat in the morning, you are entering into an implicit day-long contract that states you will stay on the boat until the captain of it has called it a day, even if that time does not come until 9pm. Unless the beer’s run out.
17. Drive your outboard motor-equipped fishing boat up to a party spot like Big Island
It’s like arriving at the bar in a tow truck.
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