26 things you need to do before you can call yourself a Minneapolitan
Living in Minneapolis is a great start, and so is loving these 25 things, but it turns out that if you really wanna be able to claim the Erotic City as yours, you've gotta do these 26 things first...
1. Choose the correct side of the river
You can't be a Minneapolitan if you live in St. Paul.
2. Drink the Twins Kool-Aid
No matter how bad the team, you're not worth your hipster salt without an unflinching, TC hat-wearing allegiance to the Twinkies.
3. Own a bike with fewer than two gears
Curse yourself for doing so every time you ride it in this surprisingly hilly city.
4. Buy a fat tire bike
Proceed to never actually ride it in winter, but sometimes obnoxiously, and for no good reason on a bike path during the summer.
5. Lament the loss of the Uptown Bar & Cafe
Then go shopping at the glorious Apple Store that now stands in its place.
6. Get lost in the Skyway
Casually make your way to the nearest window and hope no one notices while you look around to get your bearings.
7. Pretend to know which house is the one from the Replacements' Let It Be album
And obnoxiously insist it is definitely "the white one right there" every time you see a two-story with a overhang porch in Uptown.
8. Have a personal grumpy Paul Westerberg story
Even if it's just an amalgam of other people's grumpy Paul Westerberg stories.
9. Have a Dave Pirner is a bad tipper story
Pretend you know because you delivered him pizza one time in '95 (even though you never delivered pizzas and were in middle school in '95).
10. Go to Sea Salt on a beautiful summer Saturday
Bitch about how, as a person who lives in this city, you should know better than to go to Sea Salt on a busy Saturday.
11. Get cited by a police officer for covertly drinking at a public beach
Attempt to get out of it by swearing up and down that you had no idea you couldn't drink in public parks in Minneapolis.
12. See Scott Seekins
Tell the world every time you do.
13. Stand up paddleboard on Lake Calhoun
Everybody's doing it so pretend like it's not terribly boring.
14. "Know" Pip Hanson from Marvel Bar
Even if you don't because, hell, everybody else claims to.
15. Talk about how awesome the bicycle-only, taco delivery service Taco Cat is at every chance
Never actually order Taco Cat.
16. Bike to a taproom
Then after having a few pints of a 7.5% IPA, wonder why you thought it was a good idea to bike to a taproom.
17. Have a beard at some point during the year
Unless you're a girl, in which case, where lots of scarves.
18. Wait in line and pay a premium for Bogart's Doughnut Co.
Secretly wonder if it's just you that can't tell the difference between them and random grocery store donuts.
19. Tuck a handkerchief in your back pocket in a haphazardly fashionable way
Be completely amazed when/if your hands are messy and it actually comes in handy.
20. Succumb to Matt's Bar
Any citizen of this city worth their salt understands that Matt's Jucy Lucys are the best Jucy Lucys.
21. Identify your favorite third-wave coffee shop...
... but still drink Caribou and Starbucks when it's more convenient.
22. Vote Captain Jack Sparrow (actual guy, actual candidate) for mayor
Since we know the DFL guy is always going to win anyhow and Captain Jack always seem to be on the ballot, what the hell?
23. Have a favorite "dive bar"
Even though actual dive bars and scary, seedy places full of day drinkers and your favorite "dive bar" is probably just a run-down old bar that takes advantage of it's popularity to sell expensive beer, keep its bathrooms dirty, and decor outdated.
24. Get rid of your car
Immediately realize that public transit and Car2Go are incredibly inconvenient and buy a car again.
25. Join a CSA
Rarely actually eat the fruits and vegetables but feel good about having the option.
26. High-five "Fancy Ray" McCloney
Pretend like you weren't at the Skyway Lounge when you did it.
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