The 20 Montreal Commandments

And lo, de Maisonneuve climbed the royal mountain and erected a sweet 30-meter-tall, illuminated iron cross and returned with two tablets. The hippies, LARPers, and hipsters clamored around him with their Pabst Blue beers, guitar, and Frisbees, whereupon he gave them several badass street names and these 20 Montreal Commandments:

1. Pick a side between St. Viateur and Fairmount bagels
But eat both of them anyways. 

2. Bear witness to the city's tremendous nightlife
And party whenever possible. 

3. Go forth and BIXI
Or lose your public bike sharing system privileges to bankruptcy forevermore.

4. Support the local brewing scene
It’s called Dieu du Ciel (God of the Sky) for a reason.

5. Eateth the poutine in regular drunken stupors
Yet maintain impossibly good physique.

6. Know thine seasons
Winter, construction.

7. Saveth thy Winter jacket for when Winter really is here
Brave the early onset of cold weather to toughen up for the real deal. The suffering makes you stronger.

8. Honour the day of the Sabbath... err, Tam-Tams on Mont Royal
Keep it holy.

9. Engageth in ALL the festivals
Even the weird ones. In fact, especially the weird ones.

10. Sit upon thine terrasses as soon as the weather is mildly permissible
Cherish every moment of not-Winter weather. Cherish it.

11. Refer to smoked meat as “pastrami” 
Viande fumée is passable, but pastrami is New York’s inferior product.

12. Have any other hockey team before the Habs
Donning a Boston jersey is like a form of religious intolerance around here.  

13. Forget to buy alcohol before 11pm
Or pending, sober, doom shall ensue.

14. Call corner stores by any other terms than “deps”
Hasty market, corner store, convenience store = blasphemy.

15. Arrive for a party earlier than 11pm
No one is ready for that.

16. Debate francophone language policies
Just laissez-faire all of that stuff for the language police.

17. Ever expect streets to be ridden of potholes
Smooth road infrastructure? Check Hell for ice.

18. Stand on the left side of the escalator
Unless thou art a jerk.

19. Covet thy neighboring city’s (i.e. Toronto) better employment opportunities
Don’t let the Devil tempt you out of Eden.

20. Move to Toronto, in fact
It’s kind of like giving up on the dream.